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Look on the Bright Side

Look on the Bright Side

Like everyone else, I’m dealing with this pandemic the best I can. We’re all in this together after all…ok, except for the people that refuse to wear masks and social distance, because it’s a hoax. Then there are the people who won’t wear masks because,
“Themz takin away minze freedom.”
Ok, so we’re not all in this together. If we were it wouldn’t be spreading as much. Forget what I said.

I’m trying to look for some of the positives.
For example, you don’t have to worry about your appearance. You’re not going anywhere, so who cares? I have a big sauce stain on my shirt from Sunday and I’m wearing it again today. Why waste laundry when nobody is going to see me? Ok, my wife keeps making comments about it but, I’ve learned to ignore her. There’s something I’ve gained from spending 24 hours a day together.
That’s just me. She told me it took her 15 minutes to decide what to wear to work yesterday.
She works across the hall from our bedroom. I’m not making this up.

You have an excuse for not helping friends move.
“I really don’t feel comfortable touching your stuff.”

We don’t have to go to weddings. Not only that but, how many couples had to postpone getting married only to find out you couldn’t stand each other anyway? See, positive.

You have an excuse for not going to church. This doesn’t apply to me, I don’t go anyway but, some of you feel obligated. I thought God was everywhere. Apparently, not on the weekends.

When this is all over, I’m switching religions. I’m going from Catholic to Evangelical. The Catholic Church is just boring ceremonies. Evangelicals are having orgies. Which one sounds like it’s more fun?

Lastly, even though I have nowhere to be, when I drive I’m going way over the speed limit. I haven’t seen many people getting pulled over. Even if they do pull me over, I’m ready for them. Even if they’re wearing a mask, I’m not putting one on.

“Sorry Officer, I was only out for a drive and didn’t bring one.”
Then I’ll start coughing and hacking and say,

“Is it really hot? I’m burning up. I think I may have a fever.”
If they still don’t get the hint,
“I need your license, registration and proof of insurance.”
“Sorry Officer, I really prefer you don’t touch my things. I don’t need your cooties in my car.”

See, find the positive in all of this…Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is so aggravating.

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Wash Your Hands

Wash Your Hands

 

So, the coronavirus is here and it’s time to panic. I don’t really think we need to panic, not yet anyway…but, it’s what people do.

The first suggestion was to use hand sanitizers as often as possible. Then like toilet paper before a two inch snowfall, hand sanitizer is completely sold out.

“Oh no! There’s no hand sanitizer or toilet paper! What can we do?”

Nobody said there’s not any toilet paper, calm down. I was just using that as an example. There’s no hand sanitizer to be found. Not in the stores anyway.

I’m sure you can get it on e-bay for $100 a bottle. That’s not necessary. You can do what people did in the pioneer days, back before we had hand sanitizer. You can wash your hands with soap and hot water.

I know, it seems like such a primitive concept, but it actually works. You just have to do it right. They are suggesting singing the birthday song in your head as you wash. That way you’ll be washing long enough.

You don’t have to sing the song out loud. Just in your head…Oh, who am I talking to? I don’t even know if they’ll get the part about singing it while washing their hands.

Some have gone to drastic measures. Those measures don’t make any sense, but if everyone acted rationally, I would have nothing to write about.

Another 38 percent of people in this country have stopped drinking Corona beer as a precaution…Yeah, I wish I was making that up, but you go outside. Even if you haven’t been outside in ten years, you have television and Wi-Fi. We’re not surrounded by stable geniuses.

Don’t believe me, go get in the self-checkout line at Walmart.

“I double dog dare you.”

Now, you’re saying,

“38 percent of the people in the U.S. are morons. That doesn’t seem right.”

If you add in the non-drinkers, people who don’t drink beer and those who don’t like Corona, it comes up to a more believable 70 Percent.

Wait until you walk into a public restroom and somebody is sitting on the toilet singing, “Happy Birthday.” I give you ten to one they don’t wash their hands. They sure as hell won’t be drinking a Corona.

Until this thing blows over, don’t touch me. I’ll be easy to recognize. The guy drinking shots of Purell and chasing it with a beer that has a lime in it.

“Happy Birthday!”

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What Are You Trying To Say?

What Are You Trying To Say?

 

So the local newspaper, the Post-Gazette, is going digital. Anyway, that’s what I think I’ve deciphered from their current ad campaign. If you’ve seen it, you’re probably as confused as I am. Elderly people complaining that the newspaper is going digital, one old lady talking about her cookies…the same old lady telling the PG to go screw themselves…

At first, it wasn’t obvious what they were trying to say. Actually, it really still isn’t now. There’s another one with an old guy reading the newspaper on the bus, next to a kid with headphones, staring at his phone. The old guy goes on about how he gets his business news each day from the newspaper and can’t get up to the minute quotes on his phone.

So apparently, this is the only old guy lost in time that doesn’t realize the current trend. As the commercial ended, I looked to see it was an endorsement of the Post-Gazette. This is where I became confused.

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What About Pirates Country?

What About Pirates Country?

 

So, Kennywood Park announces their big secret. They took out the log jammer last year, which stopped a lot of people from using the same old constipation jokes, year after year. Of course, isn’t that what Kennywood is about, reliving memories? When the snow is on the ground and your freezing cold, you have something to look forward to.

The new ride, “The Steel Curtain” looks impressive. A Steel coaster with more inversions than any other coaster in the world. It’s dedicated to the Steelers and not only that, it will be part of the new “Steelers Country” section of the park. What better combination is there if you’re a native of Pittsburgh? A great amusement park and first class Football organization that you grew up with.

I’m thinking, why stop there. Shouldn’t there be a part of the park dedicated to Bob Nutting’s Pirates? There has to be some room in an abandoned part of the parking lot or some old picnic grove grown over with weeds.

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500 Years of Comedy

500 Years of Comedy

 

Last week I was booked to do a show in Munster, Indiana at the Performing Arts Center there. One of my best, if not the best friend I have, Nick Gaza books and runs the shows there. We met and became friends when we were living in Los Angeles. Actually, I lived in Burbank and he lived in Glendale, but it was in the L.A. area.

Since we don’t see each other very often, maybe once a year, I went in a few days early to hang out. Munster is in the Chicago area, so when I get back that way I usually get together with a few comedian friends.

This time, my old friend Bill Gorgo decided to invite a group of us to his home for a Wednesday afternoon barbeque. One of the advantages of being a comedian is that your Wednesday afternoons are usually free.

I’ve known Bill since the 80’s and he’s always been a very humble and gracious person. He’s one of the most intelligent and clever people that I know and always has a smile on his face. Here’s the kind of guy he is. Despite being in extreme pain from a back problem, he went ahead with the plans, did all of the cooking and prep work and was a great host…He also made more than we could handle and ended up eating leftover brats and polish sausage for a week.

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