Groundhog Day, Again and Again

As another day becomes another day becomes…you see where this is heading.

There is some good news, certain places in Pennsylvania will begin to reopen in the next few weeks. But, it’s hard to get optimistic. States that reopened too fast have seen spikes, there’s no cure or vaccine coming anytime soon and everyone continues to argue about how serious this virus really is.

I’ve fought with depression my whole life. I was finally winning the battle. Everything was positive in life and…BAAM!!!

There were sporting events and concerts I’ve attended when we were standing in line waiting for the doors to open. I would be the one to start the chant,

“Let’s goooo!!!”

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We’re All in This Together?

We’re All in This Together?


Anybody old enough to remember the mood of the country after we were attacked on 9-11, can tell you how different it was than what we’re experiencing now. We were all united, most of us anyway. People took pride in their country and were respectful of each other.

It wasn’t until Christmas of that year when a relative said,

“Can we get rid of the flags now? Enough already.” That’s when I knew it was over, but for a few months, we bonded together.

We’re being attacked again. Not by planes this time, but a deadly pandemic. The slogan we keep hearing is,

“We’re all in this together.”

Are we? Not even close.

Look at social media. Every day, people are calling each other idiots and other insults depending on what they believe.

Should we wear the masks?

Are the masks bad for us?

Did China invent this in a lab?

Should I drink bleach for prevention?

Does anybody care if the Pirates play this year?

There’s too much information out there and most of it is wrong. That doesn’t keep people from finding the information they want to believe and standing behind it.

One group believes Bill Gates developed the virus, so he can give us all a vaccine that will control our minds. If Bill Gates wanted to control our minds, couldn’t he just release a conspiracy theory that says he wants to control our minds?

The people who believe the Bill Gates conspiracy would have their minds blown right now…If they were capable of comprehension.

Do I really need to social distance?

Should I storm the state Capital with an assault weapon and confederate flag?

Is this all a hoax?

Should I shove an ultra-violet light up my ass?

No seriously, does anybody really care if the Pirates play this year?

There was a time when we would’ve listened to the doctors and scientists. Not anymore. Knowledge is our enemy. Especially when it doesn’t tell us what we want to hear. Believe me, nobody wants to get back to normal more than me. I miss being able to perform. It’s just not considered safe right now.

That won’t stop people from trying. This is going to get ugly before it’s over. Get your popcorn and watch. We’re headed for Thunderdome!

One of the things we keep hearing is there aren’t enough tests. That’s why I’m going to post an online Covid-19 test to help end this sooner.

What’s your name?

Do you feel sick?

If they answer no,

“You’ve tested negative for Covid-19. To identify you as a non-carrier, please enter your social security number and all bank information.”

I could do it…you know I could…but, I won’t…Ok, if you do it I get a fifty percent cut. It was my idea after all.

All in this together…yeah, my ultra-violet ass!


Guardians at the Pot

Guardians at the Pot


Suck on it bitches!…Yeah, I know, I don’t normally say things like this, but these aren’t normal times we are living in. The world is shut down for a virus and people are going insane…Not, that most of them weren’t already, but it’s a jungle out there.

With things changing by the second, we don’t know how bad this is going to get. That’s why we have to take precautions. I don’t think anybody needed a gross of eggs or 900 rolls of toilet paper, but some of you idiots…(Very fine people) did.

There’s not a roll of toilet paper to be found on the shelves and they are now limiting paper towels to one package per customer.

So, you’re going to rough it, and I mean rough it. Wow, using paper towels as a substitute to wipe…that particular region…OK, your ass! That means when all the craziness is over, plumbers will be the richest people in the country…You know, with the money they make from unclogging toilets.

I’m guessing “Baby Lotion” will be a big seller as well as you try to soothe the towel burns.

My wife Chrissie, who I love for many reasons, but especially this, took the initiative and ordered us a shipment on Amazon.

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Wash Your Hands

Wash Your Hands


So, the coronavirus is here and it’s time to panic. I don’t really think we need to panic, not yet anyway…but, it’s what people do.

The first suggestion was to use hand sanitizers as often as possible. Then like toilet paper before a two inch snowfall, hand sanitizer is completely sold out.

“Oh no! There’s no hand sanitizer or toilet paper! What can we do?”

Nobody said there’s not any toilet paper, calm down. I was just using that as an example. There’s no hand sanitizer to be found. Not in the stores anyway.

I’m sure you can get it on e-bay for $100 a bottle. That’s not necessary. You can do what people did in the pioneer days, back before we had hand sanitizer. You can wash your hands with soap and hot water.

I know, it seems like such a primitive concept, but it actually works. You just have to do it right. They are suggesting singing the birthday song in your head as you wash. That way you’ll be washing long enough.

You don’t have to sing the song out loud. Just in your head…Oh, who am I talking to? I don’t even know if they’ll get the part about singing it while washing their hands.

Some have gone to drastic measures. Those measures don’t make any sense, but if everyone acted rationally, I would have nothing to write about.

Another 38 percent of people in this country have stopped drinking Corona beer as a precaution…Yeah, I wish I was making that up, but you go outside. Even if you haven’t been outside in ten years, you have television and Wi-Fi. We’re not surrounded by stable geniuses.

Don’t believe me, go get in the self-checkout line at Walmart.

“I double dog dare you.”

Now, you’re saying,

“38 percent of the people in the U.S. are morons. That doesn’t seem right.”

If you add in the non-drinkers, people who don’t drink beer and those who don’t like Corona, it comes up to a more believable 70 Percent.

Wait until you walk into a public restroom and somebody is sitting on the toilet singing, “Happy Birthday.” I give you ten to one they don’t wash their hands. They sure as hell won’t be drinking a Corona.

Until this thing blows over, don’t touch me. I’ll be easy to recognize. The guy drinking shots of Purell and chasing it with a beer that has a lime in it.

“Happy Birthday!”