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Cursed

Cursed

 

Last week, I got something I hadn’t had for a very long time. Something, I didn’t think I would ever get again…No, not an erection…Shut-Up!

I trimmed my mother’s hedges…No, that’s not a euphemism…What’s wrong with you people today? I’ve been doing the hedges at her house for years, because I’m a good son. Also, because she has a way of making you feel guilty for not doing things.

Anyway, there’s usually some vines in there which appear to be poison ivy. I got a rash from it once when I was about eight or nine and never had it since. I’m immune…or at least I thought I was.

When I was finished, my mother said to me,

“I hope you don’t get poison ivy.”

“I never get it.”

That should be the end of the conversation, shouldn’t it? For normal people maybe, but not that crazy lady. She was relentless. I brought her back to my house for dinner. Every three minutes in the car,

“I hope you don’t get poison ivy.”

Between bites at dinner,

“I hope you don’t get poison ivy…”

“You’re wishing it on me!”

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I Can’t Tell You

I Can’t Tell You

 

I had a great story I wanted to share with you. Unfortunately, I’ve been informed if I say anything, bad things could happen to me. It’s nothing but censorship and I’m ashamed of myself for not having the courage to go ahead and write the truth anyway.

Now I’m forced to talk about how aggravating the weather is, even though the groundhog promised us an early spring.

What I really wanted to tell you was how I was planning to sleep a few more hours on Monday morning when a voice woke me.

“John, I have a big problem.”

Now I’m not saying the voice came from anybody that lives inside this house, so just erase those thoughts from your mind. For all you know, people may wander in off the street with their problems on a regular basis.

“I put Super Glue in my eye again.”

The key word in that sentence is again. This means it’s not the first time she mistook the glue for eye drops…Wait, did I say she? What I meant to say is, this wasn’t the first time “Person A” glued their eye.

You would think putting glue in your eye this first time would teach you a valuable lesson. You know, not to leave the glue near your eye drops. Also, glue isn’t the only mistaken item she…I mean “Person A” has put in their eyes. I think it was “White Out” the other time, which…this person says is impossible because of the brush. Which means the brush has saved her…I mean “Person A” from whiting out their eye on more than just the one occasion.

So instead of those few hours of sleep, I spent the morning at the eye doctor.

“Tell the doctor you felt like you needed a little more shut-eye.”

See…I think that’s really funny. Same with the toast I gave when we got home.

“Well, here’s glue in your eye.”

Not that we were at my home. We could have been at some casual person off the street’s home. I often take strange people to the doctor when they put glue in the wrong opening. Anyway, I found humor in the situation and that’s why I wanted to tell you.

Unfortunately, I’ve been threatened not to tell this story. I wish I could, but I have to protect myself.

So…can you believe how cold it is for March?

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Closed For Repairs

Closed For Repairs

 

There will be no post today…ok, I guess in actuality, this is a post. We’re under construction. Actually the site is fine. It’s me that needs repairs. I’m currently under a great deal of pain.

OK, I don’t have the flu, so you can shake my hand. You don’t have to if you don’t want to…I don’t see why you wouldn’t. What did I do to you?

What it is…I’m in a lot of pain right now. Either broken rib or rib cage pull. My doctor, who I went to see yesterday…Oh, and that’s another thing…I still feel violated from my yearly prostate probe. Those take a while to get out of your head.

I mean, I hardly know the guy and there he is. Violating my manhood. The first time I cried for days, but I guess you learn to live with it.

Anyway, my doctor seems to feel that I pulled something in my ribcage. I’d like to tell you I did this while at the gym or doing something athletic. If not trying to get away from my doctor when he put on his rubber glove.

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Text Neck?

Text Neck?

 

I was watching the news the other day when they had a story about a new ailment sweeping the nation. It’s something called “Text Neck.” I’m not making that up, you can check. So now, we have another hazard brought on by the overuse of cell phones.

We already have “Driving While Intexticated.” Not making that up either. You can get pulled over for texting while driving. People that believe they can text and drive is why I go through two or three mailboxes a year.

“How could you not see the mailbox?”

“I was looking at my phone.”

This is why they are developing self-driving cars. We have way more important things to do when we’re driving than look at the stupid road.

First of all, when someone is texting they’re saying,

“I have something to tell you or ask you, but I don’t really want to hear your voice.”

It’s insulting when you think about it.

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