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I Can Handle This

I Can Handle This

 

Usually, I do anything possible to escape crowds. Ever since I was a kid I never liked having large amounts of people around me. I’ll take sitting with a handful of people in a dive bar over a loud crowded night club anytime.

July 4th is Independence Day for the rest of you. For me it’s my anniversary. My wife suggested we get a room and spend the day downtown Pittsburgh and then watch the fireworks. Ordinarily, I would have been hesitant to subject myself to so many people.

This year was different. After what we’ve experienced the last 18 months, I wanted a sense of normalcy. Normal for me is being aggravated by people. I’ve missed that for the last year and a half. It was time to get back to it.

If we wanted to social distance, we could have gone to the Pirates game. From the parts of the stadium I could see from the window of our hotel, it looked like everybody could have their own section.

They’re back at full capacity and it was a holiday…and nobody went. That’s what happens when the owner shovels all of the profits into his own pockets rather than invest in the team.

This really has nothing to do with the article. I just enjoy taking shots at tightwad owner, Bob Ka-Ching Nutting.

We went out for lunch and then stopped in the hotel lounge for a beverage. The bartender informed us it was the first day they were open since before the pandemic. He also told us they were having trouble finding help.

An older waiter with an accent added,

“Nobody wants to work.”

Remember that for the next part of the story.

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Who You Gonna Call?

Who You Gonna Call?

 

Living close to nature…actually closer than we used to, nature keeps shrinking because of development. Ok, we have some woods around us. We have deer, coyotes, fox, rabbits, tigers…Just, wanted to see if you were reading.

Actually, we did have a neighbor’s cat that I had to constantly chase off the deck. It got kind of annoying. Haven’t seen it for a while. Of course, neither has anybody else.

My wife got annoyed because I let a moth in the house the other night and we couldn’t catch it and the damn thing wouldn’t fly into the light. She made a big deal of it. That’s because I let it in and not her.

Once or twice we had a mouse get in. You would think the world was ending according to her. A little peanut butter in a trap and…SNAP! Always a good sound.

Anyway, I have a comeback for her complaints about any bug or rodent that ever gets into the house again. That’s thanks to what happened in Thailand the other night.

In case you didn’t see, an elephant busted through a kitchen wall looking for food. Its head was hanging right there above the sink. It looked like the way Wilma Flintstone did the dishes.

Come to think of it, the Flintstones used a lot of animals for appliances and household items. Birds for can openers and phonograph needles. A porcupine to scrub the dishes…If that show were on today, somebody would complain that they were abusing animals. It would be hard to point out to these people these were cartoons but, I’m not here to go into how much the intelligence level is shrinking.

What do you do if you have an elephant in your house? Is there a service you can call?

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We’re Getting There

We’re Getting There

 

Looking back, it’s all a blur. Every day the same as the day before. Lockdowns, masks, social distancing…Ok, that part I liked. Keeping morons six feet away from me was the best thing. Of course, the true idiots never listen to the rules.

Last summer I was so anxious to go someplace and experience a sense of normalcy, I actually said,

“I would even go to a Pirates game if I could.”

Probably should have checked my temperature for fever that day. How desperate must I have been to be willing to put myself through that torture? Can you imagine paying money to watch a team that gets trounced every night? Sitting through 20-1 and 14-2 thumping’s doesn’t sound like a good time.

Anyway, I’ve had shows the last three weeks and am hosting my graduation class show on Friday. I’ve been on planes, stayed in hotels, shaken hands and gone out to dinner with my wife without having to wear a mask.

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Just My Luck

 

Just My Luck

 

Things have been going really good for me lately…I mean, really good. That’s what has me concerned. Usually…I mean almost always…OK, I mean always, when things are going well, something bad happens.

Yeah I know,

“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”

It’s just that there’s no,

“The Lord taketh away and then he giveth back.”

You would think these things would even out but, I have to tell you, I’m way behind in the taketh away’s.

That’s what has me so worried. Everything has been going so well, I must be in for a disaster. I was trying to figure out what could go wrong and then I saw it.

Apparently, there’s a piece of a Chinese Rocket flying around space that’s about to fall down upon the earth. This part of the rocket was supposed to drop off into the ocean after launch. That didn’t happen and now it’s hurtling around the atmosphere at over 17,000 miles an hour and getting close to earth.

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Chocolate Jesus

Chocolate Jesus

 

Believe me, I know my title is the same as a Tom Waits song…who would know that better than me? Just part of what I remember as I look back at Easter as a child and how weird all of it seemed to me.

First of all the first time you’re told about the reason for the holiday. There’s this guy Jesus and he’s the son of god. Then because he is the son of god, a group of people get pissed at him and kill him by nailing him to a cross…then he comes back from the dead.

“Whoa, wait a minute…he comes back from the dead? He’s a zombie? A Vampire?”

“No, he’s still just Jesus.”

“But, he came back from being dead? Are you sure this isn’t why we celebrate Halloween?”

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