Just My Luck


Just My Luck


Things have been going really good for me lately…I mean, really good. That’s what has me concerned. Usually…I mean almost always…OK, I mean always, when things are going well, something bad happens.

Yeah I know,

“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”

It’s just that there’s no,

“The Lord taketh away and then he giveth back.”

You would think these things would even out but, I have to tell you, I’m way behind in the taketh away’s.

That’s what has me so worried. Everything has been going so well, I must be in for a disaster. I was trying to figure out what could go wrong and then I saw it.

Apparently, there’s a piece of a Chinese Rocket flying around space that’s about to fall down upon the earth. This part of the rocket was supposed to drop off into the ocean after launch. That didn’t happen and now it’s hurtling around the atmosphere at over 17,000 miles an hour and getting close to earth.

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Why Not Take a Shot?

Why Not Take a Shot?


With all that we’ve gone through the past year and more, there finally seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. When you see it, why not walk toward the light? By getting everyone vaccinated, we can have herd immunity and get back to normal.

It seems simple enough, that’s why I got my shots. Let’s get this over with and behind us so we can have life the way it was before. Why would you not do that? I’m tired of smelling my own breath in my mask. Not that it’s horrible…well, if I eat garlic it can be unpleasant…or if I didn’t brush my teeth…I’m just sick of having to do it.

Well, as it turns out, even though I’m vaccinated I will still have to wear a mask. That’s because the people who refused to wear a mask to begin with are now refusing to get the vaccine. My question is, why I should care about them when they didn’t give a damn about me?

You know, the alternate reality people. Where conspiracies are truth and truth are conspiracies. To them, the whole pandemic was a hoax and the vaccine is a way for Bill Gates to control their minds. Yes, it sounds ridiculous but, so do the rest of their beliefs.

I was feeling really good about having my shots and then I started thinking about,

“What if they’re right?”

Could the scientist be lying to us and the truth is coming from an ex-crackhead hawking cheap, crappy pillows?

What would happen if Bill Gates were really trying to control our minds? What could he do to us?

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Beware the Monkey People

Beware the Monkey People


I read where scientists in the United States and China got together to develop an embryo that is part human, part monkey. The reason for this is to use the monkey people for transplant organs to give people having trouble finding a donor. If you’ve ever seen a “Planet of the Apes” movie, you know this won’t end well.

Now, I’m not a scientist but, I like to think I know almost everything…you can ask my wife about that…I just don’t see this working.

How do you get anyone to go along with this, even if they are just monkey people? I know the simple minded consistently vote against their own best interest but, this is at another level. It’s one thing to convince people they don’t need higher wages and health benefits. Also that billionaires shouldn’t have to pay taxes.

Those things are easy to fool people into believing. How do you convince the monkey people that once they reach a certain age, we get to cut them open and remove their insides?

You know how this works. The smartest of the monkey people will become the leader and organize the rest. Once they are together, they will find a way to escape and attack their captors. Once they’re free, they’ll expect to have rights and be more than just spare parts.

There will be groups of people siding with the monkey people. I can see myself backing them up…You know, unless I need a kidney or something.

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Now I Remember Why I Hate This

Now I Remember Why I Hate This


I hadn’t taken a flight since September of 2019. It’s been over thirty years since I’d gone that long without flying. Usually at least a few times a month. Sometimes we forget why we dislike something…and then it comes back.

Traveling during Covid only adds to the aggravation. When’s the last time you wore a mask for over seven hours and weren’t performing a major surgery?

Leaving from Pittsburgh on a Wednesday night at 6:30 meant it wouldn’t be crowded at the airport. I breezed through security and then realized I had a three and a half hour flight ahead of me and forgot to bring my IPad or a book. Thanks to Apple updates, my IPhone 6s holds a charge for about three minutes. I would try to grab something to read.

Apparently since the last time I flew, they stopped printing newspapers. Not only that, all of the magazines sucked and none of the books seemed interesting…I would try to sleep.

I boarded early and took a seat on the aisle. Everything was good until he got on the plane. A big, bald galoot that made his presence known by the thud his bag made when he threw it into the overhead. Then he sat diagonally across from me.

Oh, and his mask only covering his mouth. His big fat nose was sticking out the whole flight. Masks are not decorative pieces. If they were there to make you look better, it would have covered your whole ugly bald face. Instead of reading I focused my attention on hating this asshole for the whole flight into Denver.

When I arrived in Denver, I had an hour and a half until my connecting flight into Portland. I decided to take time to get a beer and something to eat. Although there were places open close to my arriving flight, I always like to get close to my departing gate before I sit down to eat.

I walked down the twenty gates toward my next flight and approached a restaurant. I stood at the hostess stand for a moment and then she walked up to me.

“Can I help you?”

“Do you have seating for one?”

“We’re closing in ten minutes and the wait is fifteen minutes.”

Did I really need the last part of that statement? Should I stand here for fifteen minutes so you can announce you’re closed? Do I look like that big of an idiot?

I should mention there were four people waiting.

Then the girl suggested I try the Steak House across the terminal…seriously? The airport Steak House…who goes to a Steak House at the airport.

“I’m flying into Denver tomorrow.”

“Are you there on business?”

“No, just out for dinner at the airport Steak House.”

When you go to a Steak place, you plan to spend a few hours and enjoy the meal. I wasn’t about to jam a giant slab of red meat down my throat and then pull up my mask and jam myself into a hot, crowded, bouncing tube for the next two and a half hours.

Anyway, the trip out to Oregon is fun. I’m in Lincoln City on the coast and Oregon is a beautiful state. I enjoy the shows and everything is relaxing until it’s time to come home.

Portland airport isn’t crowded for a Monday morning. Usually Monday is a big travel day but, we’re still in a pandemic.

The first flight is smooth and then I arrive at Chicago Midway for my layover. As I walk off the plane, it’s like the virus never happened. I’ve been in this airport many times but, never saw it this crowded. There was no social distancing…it was a zoo.

For my final flight home they announced it would be a full flight…aren’t we not supposed to be doing this?

Every seat would be filled, including the middle seats…aren’t we not supposed to be doing this?

As the plane started to fill, I came up with a plan. As people were checking for middle seats, like the one next to me, I would help them make a choice.

When any oversized person got near, I would begin to cough and wipe my head as if I were sweating profusely.

“Move along fatty…you don’t what I have and I don’t want what your fat ass jamming me in.”

It almost worked until some hacking six foot five guy with bony knees decided we could have stereo coughing. His lanky knee was cutting into me the whole way home.

Getting off the plane, all I wanted to do was get into the car with my wife and lock myself in the house. I was in the final stretch when I got to the tram car that takes you to baggage claim and pick up.

There were signs everywhere. Wear your masks…maintain social distancing outside and inside the tram cars…easy enough to understand. So why, when there were only four people on a car with twenty posts to hang onto…why did he come right next to me?

Seriously, this idiot came right next to me and grabbed onto the post I was leaning against so I didn’t have to touch it with my hands. Why would he do this…why was he so stupid…why were his parents aloud to breed?

And my wife wonders why I’m always in a bad mood when I first get into the car at the airport.