post

The Bears Have it Right

The Bears Have it Right

 

It’s that time of year again. I don’t mean that time when my neighbors are competing between lighting up for Halloween too late and lighting up for Christmas too early. It’s taking place right around the corner from me. Two houses, directly across from each other, competing with conflicting holidays.

What I’m talking about is winter…it’s not here yet, but it sure feels that way. Tuesday was cold and drizzling and the whole day seemed like it was still nighttime. Gray and dark and who wants to get out of bed.

I hate winter, I’m tired of dealing with the cold and snow and I don’t feel like moving someplace warm. That’s why, this year, I’ve decided to follow the bears and hibernate until spring.

What’s not to like about this idea? First of all, I have to gain a lot of weight. That’s right… not loose, but gain weight. When was the last time you made a decision to get fat? We usually get there anyway, but not because we’re trying. Then after we gain the weight, we have to make an effort to take it off.

Not me. When I get really fat I will say,

“I better eat some more.”

This has to maintain me until March.

So now I plan to eat as much as I can until Thanksgiving. Then, I will really stuff myself full of turkey loaded with tryptophan. After the last football game ends, I will crawl into bed and set the alarm for March 20.

[Read more…]

post

4th of July Rerun to cool you off.

video

post

Yeah, Spring This!

Yeah, Spring This!

 

Spring arrives at 4:48 this afternoon. I don’t know how they come up with the exact time. I don’t think they do either. Anyway, are you excited? Yeah, well I’m dancing in my shorts over here. Yes, that’s sarcasm. I’m miserable and tired of winter.

It would be nice if at the time spring’s supposed to arrive everything would come into bloom and the temperatures would go into the 70’s, but that’s not happening.

Remember back on February 2, when the rodent predicted an early spring? What the hell happened? We had one day in the 70’s last Thursday and then I drove through snow flurries two days later. One day doesn’t count as an early spring.

If you were this wrong at your job, you would have been fired a long time ago. How can you be so bad? I haven’t seen incompetence like this since I read about the girl who worked at a clothing store and gave a guy change for a thirty.

All this groundhog has to do is crawl out of the ground…Ok, they light a fire under his ass and force him out…but, once a year he just has to predict the weather. Actually just see or not see his shadow. Even the girl who changed a thirty dollar bill could do that.

[Read more…]

video