The Bears Have it Right

The Bears Have it Right


It’s that time of year again. I don’t mean that time when my neighbors are competing between lighting up for Halloween too late and lighting up for Christmas too early. It’s taking place right around the corner from me. Two houses, directly across from each other, competing with conflicting holidays.

What I’m talking about is winter…it’s not here yet, but it sure feels that way. Tuesday was cold and drizzling and the whole day seemed like it was still nighttime. Gray and dark and who wants to get out of bed.

I hate winter, I’m tired of dealing with the cold and snow and I don’t feel like moving someplace warm. That’s why, this year, I’ve decided to follow the bears and hibernate until spring.

What’s not to like about this idea? First of all, I have to gain a lot of weight. That’s right… not loose, but gain weight. When was the last time you made a decision to get fat? We usually get there anyway, but not because we’re trying. Then after we gain the weight, we have to make an effort to take it off.

Not me. When I get really fat I will say,

“I better eat some more.”

This has to maintain me until March.

So now I plan to eat as much as I can until Thanksgiving. Then, I will really stuff myself full of turkey loaded with tryptophan. After the last football game ends, I will crawl into bed and set the alarm for March 20.

Yeah, you’re saying,

“But you’ll miss Christmas.”

I can have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. Besides, if my neighbor still has his Halloween lights going, I’ll be confused anyway.

“But you’ll miss the Super Bowl.”

I’ve seen Tom Brady lift enough trophies.

Look at the things I won’t miss. Snow and ice come to mind. Not to mention the panicked dash to the super market any time they’re calling for two inches of snow the next day. You know, the quest for milk, eggs. bread and toilet paper.

Bears don’t need toilet paper. Those Charmin ads are full of crap.

Ok, bad choice of words.

The only problem I can see is my bladder usually doesn’t let me sleep through the whole night. If it’s anything like my nightly routine, I will probably get up twice in December. Then sleep through January and wake up sometime between the second and third week of February.

That’s the one that bothers me. Sometimes when I wake up before the alarm goes off, I have trouble getting back to sleep. I’d hate to wake up just after Valentine’s Day and then toss and turn until the middle of March.

So, that’s the plan. If we don’t run into each other before Thanksgiving…I’ll see you in the spring.

For now, I’d better get going. I haven’t eaten anything for twenty minutes.

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