Mormon or More Men?

Mormon or More Men

I had a chance to spend some time in Utah this year, beautiful state, different world. It was easier to find alcohol than it was to find a cup of coffee.
Apparently, the lack of caffeine for anxiety has made them more lax on the enforcement of keeping libations away. The religion tries to keep anything stimulating away from you. Because…God hates you to be stimulated. I guess they’re too tired from the lack of caffeine to really enforce the booze thing.
This is what brings us to teenage hornieism…teenage got’a get me some…as the Lord would say, teenage lust.
“Though as a teen, with all the desire I have giveth you, though shall abstain.”
Yeah, thanks God. I’m seventeen, my testicles are the size of coconuts and Mary Jane Kepectnie just went up a bra size and is turned on by guys in long sleeve white shirts and thin black ties.
“What’s a boy to do?”
Apparently, the Mormons have solved the problem.
In order to stay virgins…so, they can get married…I was raised catholic, I don’t get the whole concept. By the time we were seventeen, if you weren’t laid or violated by a Priest…something was really wrong with you.
Anyway, the Mormons have gotten around the whole dilemma. They came up with a way to beat the system. It’s called “Soaking.”
See, what you do is…get naked and the male puts his…how can I say this without being offensive to the Mormons.
Ok, so the man takes his…let’s call it a wandaleer. Then he puts it against her…again, trying not to be offensive…I can’t decide on “the part above the taint” or “the hole that’s not the ass.”
Yeah, let me work on it. I’ll get back to it.
So, the guy lays his thing against her thing. They get soaking and stay virgins in the eyes of the Lord. Because there’s no motion.
“If it ain’t movin, there ain’t no grooving.”
If that’s me, and I’m seventeen…and we’re naked…and mine is touching yours…sorry, about your sheets.
Now, at this time, you would think I could get a cup of coffee. I mean, they would probably have to castrate me because I failed in front of God. I should at least be able to get a Caffee Lattee!
I don’t know how this whole organized religion thing works. It was set up for minds that are different than my own.
Oh, I forgot the last part of the Mormon non-sex ritual. “Jump Humping.”
What this is, is while your soaking…no, not in the hot tub…that whole touching genitals thig. See, while you’re doing that, a friend jumps up and down on the bed. Because, as long as you’re not the one making it move, you stay a virgin.
I don’t know, wouldn’t it just be easier to be an atheist, get laid and enjoy life? Oh, what do I know?
Again, if I’m the guy bouncing on the bed, there’s a naked woman…sorry about your sheets…and my PANTS!
I’d be such a horrible Mormon. Soaking, Jump Humping…drinking Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino’s and spilling them all over my tie…I’m such a Heathen…

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