post

The Drive

The Drive

 

They say when you die, your whole life passes in front of you. Having never experienced death, I can’t say whether that’s true or not. With a couple of stand up classes starting this week, I’ve decided to let my life in comedy flash in front of me.

Actually, I thought it might be a good time to share my own experience. This way my students won’t make the same mistakes I did and end up unemployed, like I’ve been since March.

Since this is the first of the series, I guess we should go back to the beginning…I really don’t remember much from the womb…I’m kidding, we’re not going back that far. We’ll start with my one year old birthday party…

I am going to include some of my childhood, because it’s an important part of the way we develop a sense of humor. For the majority of comedians, it comes as a defense mechanism. There’s some feeling of inadequacy we are trying to disguise.

For me, I was an overweight kid before video games. The invention of sitting on a sofa and holding a remote has greatly increased the amount of fat kids today. In my class, I was it.

I was shy and unpopular and the few friends I made was because I could make them laugh. It was never anything I would say out loud. I would just say it quietly to the kids sitting next to me in class. Some would laugh, others would say,

“Shut up fatty.”

The laughs were worth the tradeoff.

[Read more…]

post

The Good Old Days

The Good Old Days

 

I always said I would never get nostalgic as I got older but, today I can’t seem to help myself. I want to talk about a time long ago in my life that some of you may not be aware of. Do you know, at one time I worked as a professional stand-up comedian?

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe. I never became real famous but, I always made a living at it. I really enjoyed it. In the end, I was even teaching classes to help newcomers to the craft advance and learn the skills they needed.

Teaching gave me almost as much gratification as performing. Watching my students improve and become more confident always gave me a sense of pride.

Nothing can ever compare to performing in front of a group of people and making them laugh as hard as they possibly can. Bringing that kind of joy to others brought even a greater sense of bliss to me.

Those were different times. Some of you may have heard about them. People were allowed to go out in large groups. You would sit at tables with strangers that were within six feet of you. You would laugh and drink and possibly even touch each other.

After the show, people would come up and say they had a great time and shake my hand. That’s when another person would put their hand in yours.

[Read more…]

post

No Tricks, No Treats

No Tricks, No Treats

 

Its Halloween night, so of course we’re watching Christmas specials. The Halloween shows were over by the end of July.

You couldn’t have picked a better night for Halloween. Eerie looking sky, a chill in the air, wind howling through the trees to make it scarier. The kind of trick or treating you always remember.

Not these kids…No, there was a chance of rain so they postponed trick or treat until Saturday afternoon…You know, it’s still light out, nothing’s going to pop out and scare you…Not only that but it’ll be November 2 and I’m supposed to pretend like it’s Halloween. I guess I can’t even light the Christmas tree. You want to make it feel like it’s the right time of year.

These kids are going to grow up to be the biggest bunch of wimps the world has ever seen. I know it’s not all of the parents who are over protective. It’s just the ones that are, have the biggest mouths and try to inflict their rules on everybody else.

In these PC times, what costumes are even acceptable? The easiest thing for us was to put on some old ragged clothes, make a beard and dirt out of burned cork, and go as a bum. The more creative kids put a bottle of soda in a paper bag and went as a “Drunken Bum.”

Would the parents of today send their children out as a homeless person? Better yet, a homeless person with an alcohol abuse problem. It’s a shame the way they coddle these children.

Oh, and the worst parents of all are the ones worried about having an allergy free trick or treat.

[Read more…]

post

At Least We’re Not Cleveland

At Least We’re Not Cleveland

 

Things aren’t looking to good right now here in Pittsburgh. We expect the Steelers to be in the Super Bowl every year. We expect the Penguins to win the Stanley Cup every year. As far as the Pirates…we expect the Steelers to win the Super Bowl every year.

The Steelers are off to a 1-4 start and things aren’t getting any easier with a trip to the west coast this week to play whoever the hell the San Diego Chargers are these days.

Not only that, but they will be starting the quarterback, who backs up the quarterback, who backs up the quarterback. If this guy gets hurt, I think I’m playing…Don’t be booing me right away. I’ll give it my best shot.

You’re probably depressed. You think there’s nothing that can cheer you up. You’re giving up on life…

“Just stop that crazy talk right now!”

I know what you need. Something to focus on…something to get you through these difficult times. What you need is a mantra. Something to give you positive vibes and send good feelings through your soul…Ok, say this with me,

“At least we’re not Cleveland.”

Doesn’t that feel better? Now say it again,

“At least we’re not Cleveland.”

[Read more…]

post

Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?

Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?

 

Ok, it’s October now. You may not have noticed by the temperatures near 90, but according to my phone, we’re officially there. How did people know what day it was before we had smart phones? I hear tales of people hanging calendars on the wall and paying attention to the date that way. It seems primitive, but that’s all our ancient ancestors had.

So, now that is officially the month of Halloween, we can now indulge ourselves with all of the pumpkin spice treats that have been available since around May.

Just because corporations rush everything, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to follow the trend. A lot of you are probably already tired of pumpkin spice and ready to move on to the next holiday.

What do they do for the next holiday? There aren’t turkey flavored chips are there? I’ve never seen turkey ice cream or turkey beer…that doesn’t mean it hasn’t crossed somebody’s mind. If it hasn’t and you’re getting an idea from reading this…stop it, just stop it right now.

[Read more…]