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Something’s Fishy

Posted on March 26, 2021 · 1 Comment

Something’s Fishy

 

There are some things I read about this week that I have to believe are related. If they’re not, I’m going to make them that way.

First, in order to entice people to get the vaccine, they are offering free things. You just show your card and receive these items. I’m not talking fanny packs and koozies. I’m talking about a dispensary in Michigan that will give you a free marijuana joint. Then, if that’s not good enough, Krispy Kreme is offering a free donut. Tell me those aren’t related.

“Dude, give me one of them free donuts.”

“This is the seventh time you’ve been in here in the last hour. Did you smoke one of those free joints?”

“Wow man, how did you know?”

Then there’s the story about the guy who found shrimp tails in his box of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” How can seafood in cereal be a mistake? Certainly those two things aren’t being processed in the same room. I think they’re testing us.

Fish for breakfast isn’t really common. Ok, except for smoked salmon, which you have to be in the mood for. I’ll eat it on occasion.

Once, I was working a cruise line and was having breakfast with the Second City group that were also performing. I had a bowl of oatmeal and then took the yolk out of a hard-boiled egg…that’s where the cholesterol is…and stuffed it with a piece of salmon.

From the look of repulsion on her face, I could tell one of the girls was grossed out by this. You’re disgust only inspires me. I did the same to another egg and shoved the whole thing in my mouth.

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Enjoy the Holiday?

Posted on March 17, 2021 · Leave a Comment

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. You can watch the virtual parades and get into a drunken argument with somebody on Zoom. At least you won’t get punched in the face this year…What’s that, the first time since 1998?

Anyway, try to enjoy the second consectutive St. Patrick’s Day that you can’t go out.

Actually this year is better, you can go out and stand six feet apart. Again, this keeps you from getting punched in the face…Just don’t start shit with a giant.

Anyway, the Irish Festival has been pushed back until September. I’ll write about St. Patrick’s Day then.

Since we are kicking this one down the road, I guess we can celebrate one we weren’t able to fully appreciate last year. I better get some candy.

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Happy Anniversary?

Posted on March 11, 2021 · Leave a Comment

Happy Anniversary?

 

It’s been a year…a freaking year…do you even remember normalcy? When we had the first shutdown, I thought it would be a month, at the most two. Then I thought, certainly by summer. When it didn’t happen in the summer I became less optimistic about the fall.

Now, it’s one year later. I started keeping a journal of the events as they happened in the early stages of the pandemic. For those of you that may have forgotten some of the things we were dealing with, I’m including some excerpts.

 

Day 1

“I heard from different people and today I learned they weren’t lying…There’s no toilet paper left in any of the stores. As a matter of fact there’s no paper products of any kind to be found including paper plates. We still have five rolls as of now, I’m not desperate enough to start using plates even if I can find them.”

 

The classes I was scheduled to teach began on March 1 and at the time I had no reason to expect it not to run the whole five weeks. I remember joking on that day about washing my hands in the rest room and then having to wait for somebody to come in so I didn’t have to touch the door handle when I exited.

Everything got real in a hurry. By the next week we were discussing how this may be our last class and it was. The campus was shut down the next week.

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Laughs In Space

Posted on March 5, 2021 · Leave a Comment

Laughs In Space

 

If you’ve ever dreamed on vacationing in Space…and who has…your dreams are about to come true. The news this week is that by the year 2027 there will be a space hotel that will actually be more like taking a space cruise.

Yeah, it should be a lot of fun to be there when some space virus breaks out and people start turning into mutants. Although if you’ve ever been on a cruise ship, it’ll be hard to tell the difference.

Cruising in space is not going to be cheap. I read where the trip could cost as much as 25 million. Even if I had an extra 25 million laying around, I wouldn’t blow it on a cruise.

When you book something like that, there’s no guarantees. It doesn’t happen often but, I’ve been on cruises where the weather sucks the whole week. It’s like the rain cloud followed us from one island to the next.

It’s one thing to shell out a couple grand for a cruise and get crappy weather. Do you want to take that chance with 25 million?

“How was your trip to space?”

“Terrible, it was dark the whole time.”

Just because I don’t have the twenty five million doesn’t mean I won’t be going. They’re going to need entertainment. Which means, we’ll be comedians in space.

I’m already going over in my head some of the things we will have to deal with. As a traveling comedian, you set your expectations low and if the accommodations are above adequate, it’s a pleasant surprise.

There will only be so much food in space so, they won’t want to waste it on comedians. You get used to it. Working places with nice restaurants they would usually give us a meal in between shows.

You would sit down and the waitress or waiter would hand you a menu. Then before you got a chance to even glance at it, they would tear it from your hands.

“Oh, you’re the comedian.”

Then you would get handed a piece of paper with the comics menu. It was always the same three things. Cheeseburger, Chicken Tenders or Caesar Salad with chicken. Even if they weren’t on the regular menu, they did it special for us…God bless them.

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Not Terrible?

Posted on February 25, 2021 · Leave a Comment

Not Terrible?

 

During the evening newscast the other night, I heard the local weatherman give a forecast that I don’t remember ever hearing before. He said that tomorrow,

“Won’t be terrible.”

It was only going to be 41 degrees but, it was the first time we would break the freezing mark in a few weeks. It was also the first time it wasn’t going to snow in eighteen days. So,

“Not terrible.”

This is where we are right now. A year into the pandemic, below average temperatures, heavy snow, ice storms, locusts, seas boiling red with blood…If it’s not awful, we’ll take it.

We’ve come a long way in the past year if we’re ready to settle for news that’s not devastating.

If you went into a restaurant and asked,

“How’s the prime rib?”

“Way overcooked, very dry. If you drink enough fluids with it, you can probably choke it down. Let’s just say, if you haven’t eaten for a week, it’s not too bad.”

Would you shell out twenty-eight bucks for that? Hell no.

If you were having sex with somebody for the first time and asked,

“So, was that good for you?”

“Well, I was with one guy who was so drunk that couldn’t do anything. Then he threw up on me and passed out. So, you were better than him.”

I don’t think you would consider that high praise.

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