Something’s Fishy

Something’s Fishy


There are some things I read about this week that I have to believe are related. If they’re not, I’m going to make them that way.

First, in order to entice people to get the vaccine, they are offering free things. You just show your card and receive these items. I’m not talking fanny packs and koozies. I’m talking about a dispensary in Michigan that will give you a free marijuana joint. Then, if that’s not good enough, Krispy Kreme is offering a free donut. Tell me those aren’t related.

“Dude, give me one of them free donuts.”

“This is the seventh time you’ve been in here in the last hour. Did you smoke one of those free joints?”

“Wow man, how did you know?”

Then there’s the story about the guy who found shrimp tails in his box of “Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” How can seafood in cereal be a mistake? Certainly those two things aren’t being processed in the same room. I think they’re testing us.

Fish for breakfast isn’t really common. Ok, except for smoked salmon, which you have to be in the mood for. I’ll eat it on occasion.

Once, I was working a cruise line and was having breakfast with the Second City group that were also performing. I had a bowl of oatmeal and then took the yolk out of a hard-boiled egg…that’s where the cholesterol is…and stuffed it with a piece of salmon.

From the look of repulsion on her face, I could tell one of the girls was grossed out by this. You’re disgust only inspires me. I did the same to another egg and shoved the whole thing in my mouth.

Speaking of nauseating breakfast, one time a group of us were invited up to a Pennsylvania College a few hours away. We were asked by a group of female friends that were having a party and told us we could crash on the floor of their apartment.

There were a few hours of heavy alcohol and marijuana consumption because it was Saturday. Yeah, like it would’ve mattered if it was Tuesday. There may also have been some narcotics involved, I’d like to say no…I really would.

It turns out that as we were about to go to sleep, one of us said or did something they shouldn’t have. It may have been me but…we’re not here to point fingers. At this point the girls decided we were no longer welcome…which we were used to.

Since it was too far to drive in that condition, we decided to sleep in the car in a church parking lot. After a few hours’ sleep we were rudely awakened by noisy ignorant people on their way to morning mass.

“Hey, there’s guys trying to sleep here!”

An hour into the drive home we were hungry and pulled into a diner. All the other patrons were dressed in their Sunday finest having breakfast after church. We walked in with blood shot eyes, grimy from sleeping in the car and reeking of alcohol and pot.

I’m not the one who started the contest. My friend Carl loves “liver and onions” and didn’t think twice about having it for breakfast. That’s when another friend decided to top that by substituting his hash browns with mashed potatoes and gravy to go with his omelet.

C’mon, you can’t top me.

“I’ll have the pancakes with a side of coleslaw.”

You can’t just eat the coleslaw on the side. You have to dump it on top of the butter and cover it with syrup. You think the Second City girl was grossed out. A couple of those church ladies were covering their mouths and gagging…

that was fun.

Anyway, we’ve gotten off the subject of breakfast cereals with seafood. I don’t think it was a mistake. Now that we’re getting free marijuana, they figure we’ll eat anything.

Just wait until you see the commercials for,

“Crab Cake flavored Cheerios.”

“Mussel Bran”

“I’m looking at these marshmallows in my Lucky Charms. Here’s a half-moon, a clover, a star and I don’t know what the hell this is…Son of a Bitch, it’s a scallop!”

Yeah, I know…you’re thinking,

“This guy already smoked his free joint.”

We’ll see. When they’re introduced, good luck finding a box of “Honey Bunches of Clams.”

Who’ll be laughing then?


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