Look on the Bright Side

Look on the Bright Side

Like everyone else, I’m dealing with this pandemic the best I can. We’re all in this together after all…ok, except for the people that refuse to wear masks and social distance, because it’s a hoax. Then there are the people who won’t wear masks because,
“Themz takin away minze freedom.”
Ok, so we’re not all in this together. If we were it wouldn’t be spreading as much. Forget what I said.

I’m trying to look for some of the positives.
For example, you don’t have to worry about your appearance. You’re not going anywhere, so who cares? I have a big sauce stain on my shirt from Sunday and I’m wearing it again today. Why waste laundry when nobody is going to see me? Ok, my wife keeps making comments about it but, I’ve learned to ignore her. There’s something I’ve gained from spending 24 hours a day together.
That’s just me. She told me it took her 15 minutes to decide what to wear to work yesterday.
She works across the hall from our bedroom. I’m not making this up.

You have an excuse for not helping friends move.
“I really don’t feel comfortable touching your stuff.”

We don’t have to go to weddings. Not only that but, how many couples had to postpone getting married only to find out you couldn’t stand each other anyway? See, positive.

You have an excuse for not going to church. This doesn’t apply to me, I don’t go anyway but, some of you feel obligated. I thought God was everywhere. Apparently, not on the weekends.

When this is all over, I’m switching religions. I’m going from Catholic to Evangelical. The Catholic Church is just boring ceremonies. Evangelicals are having orgies. Which one sounds like it’s more fun?

Lastly, even though I have nowhere to be, when I drive I’m going way over the speed limit. I haven’t seen many people getting pulled over. Even if they do pull me over, I’m ready for them. Even if they’re wearing a mask, I’m not putting one on.

“Sorry Officer, I was only out for a drive and didn’t bring one.”
Then I’ll start coughing and hacking and say,

“Is it really hot? I’m burning up. I think I may have a fever.”
If they still don’t get the hint,
“I need your license, registration and proof of insurance.”
“Sorry Officer, I really prefer you don’t touch my things. I don’t need your cooties in my car.”

See, find the positive in all of this…Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is so aggravating.


Groundhog Day, Again and Again

As another day becomes another day becomes…you see where this is heading.

There is some good news, certain places in Pennsylvania will begin to reopen in the next few weeks. But, it’s hard to get optimistic. States that reopened too fast have seen spikes, there’s no cure or vaccine coming anytime soon and everyone continues to argue about how serious this virus really is.

I’ve fought with depression my whole life. I was finally winning the battle. Everything was positive in life and…BAAM!!!

There were sporting events and concerts I’ve attended when we were standing in line waiting for the doors to open. I would be the one to start the chant,

“Let’s goooo!!!”

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Robot Day?

Robot Day?


As if it wasn’t bad enough that they stopped us from dying baby chickens different colors and giving them to children at Easter. Yes, it shortened their lives, but think of the countless minutes the children enjoyed playing with them.

Now PETA wants to ruin Groundhog Day by getting rid of the…Groundhog. Without the Groundhog, it’s just February second.

This is an annual event that started in 1887. Oh, but now it’s bad for some reason. We have to protect the poor ground hog. Have you ever seen one? They look like Giant Rats. My mother had one burrow under her back porch last summer. I tried to bash it’s skull with a shovel…Hey, at least I didn’t dye it pink.

How else are you going to get 40,000 people to go to a place called Gobblers Knob? A place named after a porno movie…Yeah, I did that joke last year…shut up!

PETA wants to replace the Groundhog with a robot that is actually able to predict the weather. I’m bored already. The fun of Groundhog Day is the hope the groundhog may have contacted rabbis and will attack and chew the face off the guy holding it. That’s why we watch right? Isn’t it? Well, that’s what I want to see.

The whole reason for blaming six more weeks of winter on a groundhog is they’re ugly and easy to hate. As soon as they say Phil predicts six more weeks of winter,

“Stupid Giant Rat! I’d like to bash in his skull with a shovel!”

See, it’s not just me.

How can you hate a robot? They perform such necessary tasks, like bring us toilet paper.

OK, maybe they do other things, but that’s all I know.

So another holiday bites the dust. Wait until Santa has to get a flying hybrid sleigh because it’s cruel to make reindeer travel that far in one night.

PETA won’t stop until they’ve destroyed every holiday. Enjoy your To-furkey next Thanksgiving. I guess I’ll never see another full grown blue chicken.