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Becoming a Pro

Posted on October 22, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Becoming a Pro

 

My students always ask me,

“How do you start getting paid shows?”

It’s a totally different game now than when I started. There’s a lot less places to do comedy and ten times more comedians. If you’re good at what you do, eventually you will be paid for it. More than likely, your first paid work will come to you the same way it came to me…Somebody will offer it to you.

Starting the second week of November, I had done every open mike available in the area. By early December I had been on stage 10 or 12 times and they had all gone good. There was no stopping me.

There was Tickle’s on Monday, The Pittsburgh Comedy Club on Tuesday, and The FunnyBone on Thursday. Occasionally there was something on a Wednesday. That’s what happened in early December.

One of the local professionals was hosting a show at a bar in his hometown. There was no pay, unless you were the winner of the contest. He told me,

“I think you’ll probably win and get the fifty dollars.”

He probably told that to everybody because he needed bodies to fill the show. Forgive me for not realizing, I was still young and naïve.

Chrissie and I pulled into the parking lot of the place and there were quite a few motorcycles. As we entered the bar, it was rowdy and smoke filled. A lot of leather with gang names, facial hair and tattoos. The dream of winning fifty dollars was far outweighed by the hope of surviving. [Read more…]

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The First Time

Posted on October 7, 2020 · Leave a Comment

The First Time

 

Ok, I had been talking about becoming a comedian for years, now it was time to actually do it. Until the early 80’s, comedy was done at different venues in the area, like the Portfolio in Shadyside. All that changed when the Pittsburgh Comedy Club opened in Dormont.

I had just started seeing Chrissie, the girl I would marry and we went to the club on one of our early dates. We went to see a guy we had seen on the Tonight Show and the HBO Young Comedians special. His name was Jerry Seinfeld, you may have heard of him. That was in April of 1982 and I wasn’t even old enough to get in. I looked older than my age and nobody asked for ID. Yeah, nothing you can do about it now.

Here was a place doing comedy full time, with shows from Wednesday through Sunday. I was excited to be there. Here was a place I could get work as a comedian, even though I hadn’t done it yet. I would never do a paid show in that room, but that’s for later in the journey.

I don’t know why it took so long, but it wasn’t until November of that year I finally got up the courage to give it a shot.

They had an open mike on Tuesday nights. I had been working on material for a few years, now it was time to see if it worked. I told myself it was time and spent the day nervously preparing myself. I picked up Chrissie and we drove to Dormont.

When we walked in, there was a group of people standing around the bar area. They were the comedians, nobody else had shown up. No crowd, no show. I can’t deny there was a sense of relief. I don’t have to force myself to do this tonight. At the same time, I had prepared myself all day and now it wasn’t going to happen.

Looking back, it probably wasn’t the worst thing. My brother had a purple old lady wig he had worn for Halloween and I had brought it along with me. I don’t know what I was going to do with it, probably make a fool of myself and ended my comedy career before it started. As we were leaving, one of the guys told me to come out to Tickles on Monday night. They always have a crowd.

Now I would have to wait another week to make my debut. I left disappointed and relieved.

Tickles was the second comedy club to open in the area. It was in the basement of The Holiday House in Monroeville. It was a hotel with a big Vegas Style showroom that brought in big acts. It’s now a strip mall. I headlined the final week in the basement room before it was torn down.

By then it was no longer Tickles, the Funny Bone had taken over the room.

[Read more…]

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Look on the Bright Side

Posted on September 2, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Look on the Bright Side

Like everyone else, I’m dealing with this pandemic the best I can. We’re all in this together after all…ok, except for the people that refuse to wear masks and social distance, because it’s a hoax. Then there are the people who won’t wear masks because,
“Themz takin away minze freedom.”
Ok, so we’re not all in this together. If we were it wouldn’t be spreading as much. Forget what I said.

I’m trying to look for some of the positives.
For example, you don’t have to worry about your appearance. You’re not going anywhere, so who cares? I have a big sauce stain on my shirt from Sunday and I’m wearing it again today. Why waste laundry when nobody is going to see me? Ok, my wife keeps making comments about it but, I’ve learned to ignore her. There’s something I’ve gained from spending 24 hours a day together.
That’s just me. She told me it took her 15 minutes to decide what to wear to work yesterday.
She works across the hall from our bedroom. I’m not making this up.

You have an excuse for not helping friends move.
“I really don’t feel comfortable touching your stuff.”

We don’t have to go to weddings. Not only that but, how many couples had to postpone getting married only to find out you couldn’t stand each other anyway? See, positive.

You have an excuse for not going to church. This doesn’t apply to me, I don’t go anyway but, some of you feel obligated. I thought God was everywhere. Apparently, not on the weekends.

When this is all over, I’m switching religions. I’m going from Catholic to Evangelical. The Catholic Church is just boring ceremonies. Evangelicals are having orgies. Which one sounds like it’s more fun?

Lastly, even though I have nowhere to be, when I drive I’m going way over the speed limit. I haven’t seen many people getting pulled over. Even if they do pull me over, I’m ready for them. Even if they’re wearing a mask, I’m not putting one on.

“Sorry Officer, I was only out for a drive and didn’t bring one.”
Then I’ll start coughing and hacking and say,

“Is it really hot? I’m burning up. I think I may have a fever.”
If they still don’t get the hint,
“I need your license, registration and proof of insurance.”
“Sorry Officer, I really prefer you don’t touch my things. I don’t need your cooties in my car.”

See, find the positive in all of this…Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is so aggravating.

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You Can’t Argue with Crazy

Posted on August 20, 2020 · Leave a Comment

You Can’t Argue With Crazy

 

Every time I look on social media these days, I get angry and depressed. Everyone is fighting and unfriending each other and these are real longtime friends and that’s sad. I’ve unfriended a few, usually people that I don’t even know who the hell they are.

If I don’t agree with your stupid opinion…and I don’t know who the hell you are…why should we be friends?

Of course all of the fighting is over the upcoming election. On one side you have the people saying that Joe Biden is mentally incompetent to do the job as president.

This is while defending a man who tried to read the word Yosemite and called it Yos-A-Mite. He also called Thailand, thigh land and said the Spanish flu ended WW 2 in 1917, twenty two years before it even started, and this was just from last week.

Just today former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested for fraud. He’s accused of taking money from stupid people to build a wall to keep away the Mexican Boogeyman. Then he took the money and used it on himself.

Bannon was the sixth former member of Trump’s staff to be arrested but,

Yeah, nothing to see here.

Oh, also today, a Federal Judge rejected Trump’s latest effort to block the Manhattan D.A. from obtaining his Tax records in a fraud case. That’s twice the word fraud has come up about Trump and that’s just today, August 20.

Trump immediately filed an appeal because, when you’re innocent there’s nothing to hide.

Yeah, nothing to see here.

[Read more…]

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Not Funny and Time Slips Away

Posted on August 13, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Not Funny and Time Slips Away

 

If you’re not aware, I’m older than I was when last we spoke. Maybe you’re one of the friends who sent me birthday wishes. I can’t believe how many friends I have and I appreciate them remembering me…I also can’t believe how many friends I don’t know who the hell they are or remember how I know them.

Birthdays are not a big deal for me, especially as I get older. When you’re a kid you look forward to them. You even add the half year to your age. Remember being ten and a half? Yeah, nobody’s ever been fifty-five and a half.

I’m at the point now that I stay the same age until that stupid clock strikes midnight on August 4 and my wife tells me happy birthday…Don’t remind me.

Normally I would have a show on or right around my birthday. It takes my mind off getting older and I really enjoy performing…Used to anyway. It’s been a long time.

I did a few minutes hosting the graduation show for my latest class…the one I’m calling the Covid-class.

[Read more…]

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