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This Blows!

This Blows!

 

Seems like it was just a few weeks ago that temperatures were in the 80’s. Probably because it was just a few weeks ago that temperatures were in the 80’s. Looks like we’re skipping fall this year and heading straight into winter. It went from the 80’s to the 40’s and keeps dropping. Went right past the 60’s and 50’s.

We should be allowed to ease into it. Like getting in a hot bath. Don’t just end summer and smack us right in the face with winter.

On Thursday the weather is calling for rain, sleet, snow and dark of night…even the mailman is saying,

“Why did I take that stupid oath? Nobody should have to go out in this!”

It didn’t take the first day of cold weather this year before people were telling me,

“They’re calling for a really bad winter with a lot of snow.”

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My New Life

My New Life

 

 

You may have already heard the news about me becoming a billionaire. Ok, maybe not. I may plan to keep this a secret for a few days. Oh, who am I kidding? They’ll be hunting me down like dogs.

I should let you know that as I write this, I’m still not a billionaire. Its a few hours before the Mega-Millions drawing. It’s just that I bought a ticket and am feeling confident.

Why should I feel so confident? Because I never buy lottery tickets. Unlike many of you, I don’t play when the jackpot is only a few hundred million. After taxes, what are you left with? It’s not really worth playing.

Speaking of taxes, they said on the news that winning 1.6 billion only nets you around 600 million. That’s ridiculous. I’m going to need some write-offs. That’s why I purchased a corporate jet on Amazon this afternoon. [Read more…]

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My New Look

My New Look

 

I’m really getting tired of my own face. You would too if you had to look at it every day. Just ask my wife. It’s just that I’ve been looking at this same face my whole life. As if that isn’t bad enough, now it’s starting to show the wear and tear of being my face all these years.

Sometimes you need something new to shake things up. A change of pace…or scenery in this case. When you look out the window, it’s never the same. Some days it’s sunny, lately mostly raining, now the leaves are starting to change. Nature shakes things up for us. But, when I look in the mirror, it’s always the same face looking back at me.

My first thought was to grow a beard. The thing is, everyone has beards now, it’s too trendy. I never do anything popular. I’m always afraid I will be out of the loop when it falls out of fashion and then you just look like an ass.

I could get something pierced, but what? You don’t want to look like the old guy trying to be hip. I know I run into older guys with pierced ears, but is that enough? If you do an ear, maybe a nose, maybe an ear and a nose…maybe another ear…a lip…Next thing you know, you look like the guy in the picture.

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Text Neck?

Text Neck?

 

I was watching the news the other day when they had a story about a new ailment sweeping the nation. It’s something called “Text Neck.” I’m not making that up, you can check. So now, we have another hazard brought on by the overuse of cell phones.

We already have “Driving While Intexticated.” Not making that up either. You can get pulled over for texting while driving. People that believe they can text and drive is why I go through two or three mailboxes a year.

“How could you not see the mailbox?”

“I was looking at my phone.”

This is why they are developing self-driving cars. We have way more important things to do when we’re driving than look at the stupid road.

First of all, when someone is texting they’re saying,

“I have something to tell you or ask you, but I don’t really want to hear your voice.”

It’s insulting when you think about it.

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Too Soon!

Too Soon!

 

Stopped into the local Market District on Monday and was confronted by a huge Frankenstein sign, pitching Halloween Candy. In case you don’t remember, Monday was August 13. There were still 18 days left in August, another 30 in September and then 30 more in October before Halloween.

The sign said that it was time to stock up on Halloween Candy because it’s right around the corner. When did almost three months become right around the corner? Why are they pressuring me to buy candy that I normally get the day before Halloween?

I think they know, if I buy the candy now, it’s not going to make it to Halloween. One of these hot summer nights…yes, it’s still summer…Anyway, one of these nights I’m going to have a craving for a mini-Snickers or small bag of M&M’s, maybe a Twix…Definitely not a Three Musketeers. I give that crap to the kids.

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