Archives for November 2019
The Bears Have it Right
The Bears Have it Right
It’s that time of year again. I don’t mean that time when my neighbors are competing between lighting up for Halloween too late and lighting up for Christmas too early. It’s taking place right around the corner from me. Two houses, directly across from each other, competing with conflicting holidays.
What I’m talking about is winter…it’s not here yet, but it sure feels that way. Tuesday was cold and drizzling and the whole day seemed like it was still nighttime. Gray and dark and who wants to get out of bed.
I hate winter, I’m tired of dealing with the cold and snow and I don’t feel like moving someplace warm. That’s why, this year, I’ve decided to follow the bears and hibernate until spring.
What’s not to like about this idea? First of all, I have to gain a lot of weight. That’s right… not loose, but gain weight. When was the last time you made a decision to get fat? We usually get there anyway, but not because we’re trying. Then after we gain the weight, we have to make an effort to take it off.
Not me. When I get really fat I will say,
“I better eat some more.”
This has to maintain me until March.
So now I plan to eat as much as I can until Thanksgiving. Then, I will really stuff myself full of turkey loaded with tryptophan. After the last football game ends, I will crawl into bed and set the alarm for March 20.
When Dinner Attacks
When Dinner Attacks
We’ve all been attacked by dinner in one way or another. Whether it’s the heartburn from eating something too spicy or the run to the bathroom after digesting something undercooked or spoiled.
Yeah, but how many of us have had Thanksgiving dinner show up in a gang and terrorize the neighborhood?
That’s what’s happening in an over 55 Community called Holiday Town in Toms River, New Jersey. Apparently a large group of wild turkeys have shown up and taken over. They’re a menace and they travel in packs. It’s getting so bad that people are afraid to leave their homes.
You can’t tell me this is a coincidence. With all of the people who believe in crazy conspiracy theories, this ones right in front of your face.
There are people who believe the earth is flat and the moon doesn’t exist. This despite the photos taken of the earth which clearly show its round.
Yeah, but weren’t a lot of those pictures taken form the moon? How can you take a picture from a place that doesn’t exist?
Do you see how you can make this work if you’re insane?
Least of My Worries
Least of My Worries
First of all, I’m not trying to be morbid here. It’s just that so far, nobody has lived forever, so you have to accept the fact you will die someday.
Now, the question is,
“How do I want be sent off?”
The traditional funeral home and ceremony seems silly to me. I hate wearing a suit and tie to begin with. I’ve spent my life trying my best to avoid going places where I was required to dress that way. Now you’re going to dress me up like that for eternity?
Why do I need to get dressed up for where I’m going? Seems like I should be able to wear something comfortable.
I better not end up like that anyway. I’ve told my wife for years I want to be cremated. Mainly because I’m afraid my brain will be functioning as I lay there in the funeral home. That would be torture…unable to move and thinking,
“This sucks…why can’t I get up? Shut-up you idiot, I don’t look good!”
I also have a plan for the way I want my ashes to be handled.
No Tricks, No Treats
No Tricks, No Treats
Its Halloween night, so of course we’re watching Christmas specials. The Halloween shows were over by the end of July.
You couldn’t have picked a better night for Halloween. Eerie looking sky, a chill in the air, wind howling through the trees to make it scarier. The kind of trick or treating you always remember.
Not these kids…No, there was a chance of rain so they postponed trick or treat until Saturday afternoon…You know, it’s still light out, nothing’s going to pop out and scare you…Not only that but it’ll be November 2 and I’m supposed to pretend like it’s Halloween. I guess I can’t even light the Christmas tree. You want to make it feel like it’s the right time of year.
These kids are going to grow up to be the biggest bunch of wimps the world has ever seen. I know it’s not all of the parents who are over protective. It’s just the ones that are, have the biggest mouths and try to inflict their rules on everybody else.
In these PC times, what costumes are even acceptable? The easiest thing for us was to put on some old ragged clothes, make a beard and dirt out of burned cork, and go as a bum. The more creative kids put a bottle of soda in a paper bag and went as a “Drunken Bum.”
Would the parents of today send their children out as a homeless person? Better yet, a homeless person with an alcohol abuse problem. It’s a shame the way they coddle these children.
Oh, and the worst parents of all are the ones worried about having an allergy free trick or treat.
