Least of My Worries

Least of My Worries


First of all, I’m not trying to be morbid here. It’s just that so far, nobody has lived forever, so you have to accept the fact you will die someday.

Now, the question is,

“How do I want be sent off?”

The traditional funeral home and ceremony seems silly to me. I hate wearing a suit and tie to begin with. I’ve spent my life trying my best to avoid going places where I was required to dress that way. Now you’re going to dress me up like that for eternity?

Why do I need to get dressed up for where I’m going? Seems like I should be able to wear something comfortable.

I better not end up like that anyway. I’ve told my wife for years I want to be cremated. Mainly because I’m afraid my brain will be functioning as I lay there in the funeral home. That would be torture…unable to move and thinking,

“This sucks…why can’t I get up? Shut-up you idiot, I don’t look good!”

I also have a plan for the way I want my ashes to be handled.

Do you know they can press your ashes into a vinyl record? They can also press you into a small diamond.

No thanks. I’d probably end up in a Pawn Shop or the bargain bin at a used record store.

I’m also seeing articles where they are saying cremation is not environmentally friendly. You would think the environment would be the least of your concerns…You know, with the being dead and all.

Here are some of the suggestions for leaving this world and the environment intact.

In Tibet, they take bodies to charnel grounds where vultures come to eat the flesh. The only way I’m doing that is if I can pick the car upon whose windshield I will eventually be splatted.

There’s also a mushroom burial suit. They wrap this around you and the mushroom spores devour you…I don’t want to end up on a pizza.


Pepperoni, Sausage, Ham, Green Peppers, John Knight, Red Peppers, Extra Cheese, Black Olives, Onions, Hot Peppers

There’s also what is known as Aquamation or alkaline hydrolysis. This is a way of using liquid to dissolve the body. They then take what’s left of you and smash it into a white powder. This white powder is given to your family who will probably sell it, depending on your street value.

I’m sticking to my original plan. Cremate me, take the ashesand put them in a firework and blast me off on the fourth of July. Just don’t shoot me up at the same time as twenty other rockets are going off. Make it special. Stop the show for a moment and,

“Ladies and Gentleman, John Knight.”

Blast me off solo and then get back to the rest of the fireworks.

I’m going out with a bang. Hey, it’s better than on your windshield or your pizza.

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