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Nothing to See Here (Part ????)

Posted on January 29, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Nothing to See Here (Part ????)

 

The Super Bowl is Sunday, so let’s talk about the Pirates. I guess I should mention, at least we don’t have to watch New England yet again. I’m actually looking forward to watching for a change.

Speaking of things I’m not looking forward to watching, the disaster that will be the 2020 Pirates. During the offseason, they replaced the manager, GM and president. Unfortunately, it’s still the same owner, Bob (Ka-Ching) Nutting.

The new GM sounds just like the old GM.

“We have to spend our money carefully…Let’s see what we have here…yeah…yeah…yeah…”

We’ve heard it all before. At this point, the Pirates have the team Nutting has always dreamed of. The lowest payroll in all of baseball. As of today, the Pirates payroll for this year is 48 million. Every team in the division is at least 100 million above that. So, do you thing they have a chance?

Starling Marte, the starting center fielder was traded this week for two 19 year old PROSPECTS. Doesn’t that give you optimism? Five years from now, it these guys don’t get hurt or suck, they can be called up to replace anybody who was any good and has to be traded because,

“Nutting Don’t Pay!”

Both Nutting and the new GM keep saying the same thing,

“We want to take a look and evaluate what we have.”

Maybe I can help with that. You have no catcher, no pitching, no center fielder and your right fielder is questionable. I can tell you what you have,

“A Big Bag of Crap!”

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The Special People

Posted on January 22, 2020 · Leave a Comment

The Special People

 

I’ve always considered myself just an average normal person. I don’t expect special treatment, no matter the circumstances. Lately however, I’ve noticed how I’m surrounded by the privileged people. They don’t have to follow the rules that apply to the rest of us.

Last week, I was behind a car…actually it was a big SUV. The kind people buy because they’re good in the snow. Of course any vehicle is OK in the snow if you’re only going two miles an hour. You know, the way these idiots drive their SUV’s.

Anyway, I’m behind this person at the red light. When the light turned green, no movement. I gave them the benefit of the doubt for a moment. After they still weren’t moving, I tapped my horn as a little courtesy reminder. After they still didn’t move, I hit the horn a little longer…I may have put down my window and told them the light was green…OK, maybe not in those exact words.

Well, as they finally began moving forward…because that’s what you do at a green light, a woman’s arm came out of the driver’s side window and gave me the finger. I guess I didn’t give her time to finish her text.

That’s when I yelled out an apology…well, it started off with “I’m Sorry…” There may have been some profanity mixed in with my sincere regret. The nicest things that came out of my mouth after “I’m sorry,” may have been “Moron” and “Jackass!” I didn’t realize I was dealing with a special person at the time.

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This Stinks! (Part 2)

Posted on January 17, 2020 · 1 Comment

This Stinks (Part 2)

 

Last week I wrote about the Charmin toilet paper delivery robot that was introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. That’s where they showcase technology of the future they feel we will all need and want. I’ve gotten along without a toilet paper delivery system this far in my life…but OK.

It turns out the robot wasn’t the only toilet related item they rolled out…See what I did there?

Anyway, there’s apparently something called “Smell Sense” stink detector. This lets you know if it’s safe to enter the bathroom without gagging, vomiting or passing out. I don’t know what kind of traumatic experience led to this invention but,

“Out of necessity comes innovation.”

So, somebody walked into the bathroom after the wrong person and decided,

“Nobody will ever have to go through this again.”

So now a group of people with advanced knowledge in technology, people who could be coming up with a way to replace fossil fuels or explore distant galaxies…are coming up with a way to let you know if it stinks in the bathroom instead.

I really couldn’t find much information about how this thing works. I don‘t know if it’s something dangling from a long pole that you can stick into the restroom without getting anywhere close. Then it could send a signal back somewhere. Maybe it could notify the robot and the robot could warn you by shaking its head.

Most things these days are developed for our smart phones, so it could be an app. The “stink monitor” or “Stinkmo.” Then you would have more than one use for your selfie-stick.

I just had a terrible thought. What if the stink detector has to be placed in the bathroom permanently? It would then have a notification system to let you know if it’s safe to go in.

You wouldn’t want to be the person who walks out of the bathroom at a party with red lights, a buzzer and “Hazard Zone” flashing. No way to ever live that down.

With an embarrassment like that, you could never show your face in public again. You would be locked up all alone with your shame. Of course, on the bright side, you would have your “Poop Pal” robot to keep you company.

 

Filed Under: Technology Aggravation · Tagged: , , , ,
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Not My Pal

Posted on January 9, 2020 · 1 Comment

Not My Pal

 

This past week the annual CES show was held in Las Vegas. That’s where they showcase the latest technology and innovations designed to shape our future and make our lives better. Normally, like you, I would pay no attention…I mean who cares? This year, a particular invention caught my eye…well, maybe caught my behind.

Charmin showcased the “Poop Pal” robot, which will deliver toilet paper to you if you run out during your…how can I say this delicately? You’re time on the crapper.

So if you look down and there’s no toilet paper, you call your “Poop Pal” on your smart phone…No, I’m not making this up!

Then your robot will bring you a new roll, no questions or insults. I guess people are too self-involved these days to make the pants around the ankles walk of shame.

What I want to know is how this came about. Is there a secret conference room where the Charmin Scientists get together to solve the world’s problems?

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Yeah, Here’s Your Resolution!

Posted on December 31, 2019 · Leave a Comment

Yeah, Here’s Your Resolution!

 

Wow, 2020…sounds like a great name for a TV show…Yeah, I know…Shut up…You try to write this crap.

So do you have your list of resolutions to break in the New Year? Seriously, how many have you ever kept? So why do you keep doing it? Maybe the problem is, you’re making the wrong resolutions.

First, don’t make resolutions that are impossible to keep. I remember one year I decided I would be more tolerable of others. Yeah, right…I don’t think I was five minutes out of the house when that one was broken.

It was then I decided most of these morons are deserving of my disdain.

You should also avoid resolutions that will screw you. For example, two years ago I vowed to be more financially responsible in the New Year.

That’s just asking for something to go wrong.

January 2 the furnace broke and the next day the garage door opener died. We weren’t even a week into the year and I was bleeding money. I couldn’t help but think at the time,

“If I had decided to be more financially responsible a year earlier. I would have money set aside for this rainy day.”

Of course, that would have just made things break a year earlier. Do you see how this works?

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Filed Under: Holiday Aggravation · Tagged: , , ,
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