Not My Pal

Not My Pal

 

This past week the annual CES show was held in Las Vegas. That’s where they showcase the latest technology and innovations designed to shape our future and make our lives better. Normally, like you, I would pay no attention…I mean who cares? This year, a particular invention caught my eye…well, maybe caught my behind.

Charmin showcased the “Poop Pal” robot, which will deliver toilet paper to you if you run out during your…how can I say this delicately? You’re time on the crapper.

So if you look down and there’s no toilet paper, you call your “Poop Pal” on your smart phone…No, I’m not making this up!

Then your robot will bring you a new roll, no questions or insults. I guess people are too self-involved these days to make the pants around the ankles walk of shame.

What I want to know is how this came about. Is there a secret conference room where the Charmin Scientists get together to solve the world’s problems?

“There must be a solution for people who run out of toilet paper.”

“What if they check the roll before they sit down?”

“No…No…No!”

“What if they made sure to keep an extra roll in the bathroom?”

“Why are you people making this so complicated?”

“I know…what if they called a robot on their smartphone and the robot brought them a roll of toilet paper?”

“Brilliant…This is the simple kind of solution I’m looking for. What idiot said keep an extra roll in the bathroom? You’re fired!”

Here’s my problem with all of this. Do they assume we are so glued to those contraptions, we never go anywhere without our phone? Or, do you need to make sure to bring your phone to the toilet in case you run out of paper? Of course, if you can remember your phone, you can remember to check the roll.

Another thing…the robots aren’t big enough to open the door. So do you have to remember to leave the door open in case you run out? And…if you can remember to leave the door open couldn’t you…forget it! I’m done trying to fight the good fight. If you can make money by selling an unneeded item to the simple minded, I wish you the best.

Why stop at just delivering the toilet paper? Why not have the robot finish the job? There could be “Wiping Wally” and “Wiping Wanda”, depending on your sex. Oh, why should we care what sex your wiping robot is? What you do in the privacy of your home is your business.

I just had a thought. If were coming up with bathroom robots, why not one for men that shakes it for you when you finish urinating? Yeah guys, I know, it’ll get tiresome and expensive changing those batteries two or three times a day…but still. I think I’m onto something here.

I’ll see you next year at the CES when I introduce the “Wanker Wagler.” I’m going to be so rich.