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The Jaguar and the Jag

Posted on March 13, 2019 · Leave a Comment

The Jaguar and the Jag

 

As you know, I spend most of these columns pointing out random acts of stupidity. I don’t know, maybe I believe if we become more aware, it will lead to a more intelligent society. Yeah, no chance in hell of that happening but, I can dream.

A few days ago at an Arizona zoo, a woman was mauled by a jaguar…Do we still call them jaguars? Because the cars are now called Jag-U-A…I guess some people will still point at them and say,

“Check out the Jag.”

Although they may be talking about the person behind the wheel.

Anyway, this woman, who will only say her name is Leanne…you know, because nobody will be able to figure out the last name from her pictures all over social media…what she did was cross over the zoo barrier to take a selfie with the jaguar.

Apparently, when she went to snap the photo, the animal reached out and scratched her. My first reaction when I heard this was,

“And rightly so.”

So all these years we’ve been thinking the fences were to keep the animals in, when in fact they were actually to keep the idiots out.

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I Not Robot

Posted on March 8, 2019 · Leave a Comment

A Great Idea

 

They say necessity leads to invention and that’s exactly what happened here. It started with the fact I’m tired of having to prove I’m not a robot. You know what I mean, how certain sites make you prove your human before allowing you in.

The easiest way to prove I’m human would be to hold my face in front of a screen long enough to prove I’m human. Well, I’m pretty sure they would believe I’m human. Ok, maybe not when I first wake up but, after my first cup of coffee anyway. Plus, what are the chances I’m being held at gunpoint by a robot because it wants tickets to Cher?

Of course that would be the easy way and nothing is ever easy. No, instead I have to decipher some code of letters and numbers that I can never figure out.

“Is that a b, a 6 or an h?”

Then, when I get it wrong they send me an even more difficult puzzle. When I find myself searching through my keyboards for an upside down seven, I just say “screw it” and give up on the whole thing.

It’s not always letters and numbers. Sometimes there are six photos and they ask you to identify all the pictures that include water. There will be a few easy ones…a stream, a lake, the ocean…then they’ll through in a confusing one.

“I can’t see that tree closely enough. It may have just rained and the leaves are damp. Plus, don’t trees hold water anyway?”

By the time I finally locate Waldo, the concert is sold out.

Not only is this time consuming, but very frustrating. I was thinking,

“What if there was a machine that could do this for me.”

You’re kicking yourself right now, aren’t you? You’re saying,

“It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think about it myself.”

So, what I’m looking for is a partner. Somebody with a degree in computer engineering. I’m thinking those best suited would be recent graduates looking for a side gig to help pay down their student loans.

Next, I’m going to need money. A bank loan is one way to go but investors would be better. Get in touch with me to find out where to send the money.

You know you want in on this…

“A robot that can prove it’s not a robot.”

Now, why didn’t you think of it?

 

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I Can’t Tell You

Posted on March 6, 2019 · Leave a Comment

I Can’t Tell You

 

I had a great story I wanted to share with you. Unfortunately, I’ve been informed if I say anything, bad things could happen to me. It’s nothing but censorship and I’m ashamed of myself for not having the courage to go ahead and write the truth anyway.

Now I’m forced to talk about how aggravating the weather is, even though the groundhog promised us an early spring.

What I really wanted to tell you was how I was planning to sleep a few more hours on Monday morning when a voice woke me.

“John, I have a big problem.”

Now I’m not saying the voice came from anybody that lives inside this house, so just erase those thoughts from your mind. For all you know, people may wander in off the street with their problems on a regular basis.

“I put Super Glue in my eye again.”

The key word in that sentence is again. This means it’s not the first time she mistook the glue for eye drops…Wait, did I say she? What I meant to say is, this wasn’t the first time “Person A” glued their eye.

You would think putting glue in your eye this first time would teach you a valuable lesson. You know, not to leave the glue near your eye drops. Also, glue isn’t the only mistaken item she…I mean “Person A” has put in their eyes. I think it was “White Out” the other time, which…this person says is impossible because of the brush. Which means the brush has saved her…I mean “Person A” from whiting out their eye on more than just the one occasion.

So instead of those few hours of sleep, I spent the morning at the eye doctor.

“Tell the doctor you felt like you needed a little more shut-eye.”

See…I think that’s really funny. Same with the toast I gave when we got home.

“Well, here’s glue in your eye.”

Not that we were at my home. We could have been at some casual person off the street’s home. I often take strange people to the doctor when they put glue in the wrong opening. Anyway, I found humor in the situation and that’s why I wanted to tell you.

Unfortunately, I’ve been threatened not to tell this story. I wish I could, but I have to protect myself.

So…can you believe how cold it is for March?

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No Intelligent Life

Posted on February 27, 2019 · Leave a Comment

No Intelligent Life

 

I only had three items so I headed for the express self-checkout lanes. With only three things I had every right to be in a lane reserved for fifteen items or fewer. Although those words don’t stop a lot of people.

There was a woman with four items and a guy holding a gallon of milk in line ahead of me. As soon as I got in line behind them, they moved up to the check out. Right then I was thinking,

“I’ll be out of here in no time.”

I should know better. I’m constantly telling my wife to assume everyone you see is a complete idiot and if they’re not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

My eyes were on the guy with the milk since he only had the one item and was at the machine closest to me. I would estimate his age to be around 65 so this couldn’t be his first time using self-check-out…and he only has the milk.

You have to scan your card first before you can scan an item and in fact it explains that to you when you step up to the machine.

“Please scan your Giant Eagle Advantage card.”

I look up to see this guy swiping his card where we used to swipe our bank or credit cards before they had the chip. I thought to myself,

“That’s odd, I didn’t know you could do it that way.”

Then he scanned the milk and…

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