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Juice Them Up!

Juice Them Up!

 

Baseball season opens this week and I find myself being a bit nostalgic for the old days. I never wanted to be one of those old guys talking about how things were better when I was younger.

“These guys are nowhere as good as the players I used to watch.”

Problem is, you can’t argue with me about that statement. Guys were way better twenty years ago, it’s not even close…that’s because they were all on steroids!

I miss those days. Guys would come out of the dugout and be twice the size of the other players. When they batted, it looked like King Kong holding a twig. There was always a chance they were going to hit a screeching liner up the middle and leave a hole in the pitcher’s torso. Just like it happens in the cartoons.

Up until the late nineties, only two guys had hit more than sixty homers in a season. The first was Babe Ruth. If you’ve ever seen a picture of the Babe, you know he wasn’t using performance enhancing drugs.

The second was Roger Maris who did it in the sixties before anybody was taking steroids. Players were more into amphetamines then. Amphetamines don’t make you hit the ball farther, they just make you annoying to be around.

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Yeah, Spring This!

Yeah, Spring This!

 

Spring arrives at 4:48 this afternoon. I don’t know how they come up with the exact time. I don’t think they do either. Anyway, are you excited? Yeah, well I’m dancing in my shorts over here. Yes, that’s sarcasm. I’m miserable and tired of winter.

It would be nice if at the time spring’s supposed to arrive everything would come into bloom and the temperatures would go into the 70’s, but that’s not happening.

Remember back on February 2, when the rodent predicted an early spring? What the hell happened? We had one day in the 70’s last Thursday and then I drove through snow flurries two days later. One day doesn’t count as an early spring.

If you were this wrong at your job, you would have been fired a long time ago. How can you be so bad? I haven’t seen incompetence like this since I read about the girl who worked at a clothing store and gave a guy change for a thirty.

All this groundhog has to do is crawl out of the ground…Ok, they light a fire under his ass and force him out…but, once a year he just has to predict the weather. Actually just see or not see his shadow. Even the girl who changed a thirty dollar bill could do that.

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The Jaguar and the Jag

The Jaguar and the Jag

 

As you know, I spend most of these columns pointing out random acts of stupidity. I don’t know, maybe I believe if we become more aware, it will lead to a more intelligent society. Yeah, no chance in hell of that happening but, I can dream.

A few days ago at an Arizona zoo, a woman was mauled by a jaguar…Do we still call them jaguars? Because the cars are now called Jag-U-A…I guess some people will still point at them and say,

“Check out the Jag.”

Although they may be talking about the person behind the wheel.

Anyway, this woman, who will only say her name is Leanne…you know, because nobody will be able to figure out the last name from her pictures all over social media…what she did was cross over the zoo barrier to take a selfie with the jaguar.

Apparently, when she went to snap the photo, the animal reached out and scratched her. My first reaction when I heard this was,

“And rightly so.”

So all these years we’ve been thinking the fences were to keep the animals in, when in fact they were actually to keep the idiots out.

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I Not Robot

A Great Idea

 

They say necessity leads to invention and that’s exactly what happened here. It started with the fact I’m tired of having to prove I’m not a robot. You know what I mean, how certain sites make you prove your human before allowing you in.

The easiest way to prove I’m human would be to hold my face in front of a screen long enough to prove I’m human. Well, I’m pretty sure they would believe I’m human. Ok, maybe not when I first wake up but, after my first cup of coffee anyway. Plus, what are the chances I’m being held at gunpoint by a robot because it wants tickets to Cher?

Of course that would be the easy way and nothing is ever easy. No, instead I have to decipher some code of letters and numbers that I can never figure out.

“Is that a b, a 6 or an h?”

Then, when I get it wrong they send me an even more difficult puzzle. When I find myself searching through my keyboards for an upside down seven, I just say “screw it” and give up on the whole thing.

It’s not always letters and numbers. Sometimes there are six photos and they ask you to identify all the pictures that include water. There will be a few easy ones…a stream, a lake, the ocean…then they’ll through in a confusing one.

“I can’t see that tree closely enough. It may have just rained and the leaves are damp. Plus, don’t trees hold water anyway?”

By the time I finally locate Waldo, the concert is sold out.

Not only is this time consuming, but very frustrating. I was thinking,

“What if there was a machine that could do this for me.”

You’re kicking yourself right now, aren’t you? You’re saying,

“It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think about it myself.”

So, what I’m looking for is a partner. Somebody with a degree in computer engineering. I’m thinking those best suited would be recent graduates looking for a side gig to help pay down their student loans.

Next, I’m going to need money. A bank loan is one way to go but investors would be better. Get in touch with me to find out where to send the money.

You know you want in on this…

“A robot that can prove it’s not a robot.”

Now, why didn’t you think of it?