Archives for February 2021

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Not Terrible?

Not Terrible?

 

During the evening newscast the other night, I heard the local weatherman give a forecast that I don’t remember ever hearing before. He said that tomorrow,

“Won’t be terrible.”

It was only going to be 41 degrees but, it was the first time we would break the freezing mark in a few weeks. It was also the first time it wasn’t going to snow in eighteen days. So,

“Not terrible.”

This is where we are right now. A year into the pandemic, below average temperatures, heavy snow, ice storms, locusts, seas boiling red with blood…If it’s not awful, we’ll take it.

We’ve come a long way in the past year if we’re ready to settle for news that’s not devastating.

If you went into a restaurant and asked,

“How’s the prime rib?”

“Way overcooked, very dry. If you drink enough fluids with it, you can probably choke it down. Let’s just say, if you haven’t eaten for a week, it’s not too bad.”

Would you shell out twenty-eight bucks for that? Hell no.

If you were having sex with somebody for the first time and asked,

“So, was that good for you?”

“Well, I was with one guy who was so drunk that couldn’t do anything. Then he threw up on me and passed out. So, you were better than him.”

I don’t think you would consider that high praise.

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A Nutting Idea

A Nutting Idea

 

In case you’re unaware or really don’t care. Pitchers and catchers reported to spring training this week. Here in Pittsburgh it means absolutely nothing. No reason to get excited about a team that could be one of the worst of all time.

The worst team in our cities history were the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who finished the season 23-113…No, I didn’t go to any of the games…Shut Up! You know, sometimes you people can be very hurtful.

That record isn’t as bad as the 1899 Cleveland Spiders who went 20-134. Because of Covid, I don’t know how many games the Pirates will play this season but, I think they can be worse than the Spiders.

For a team to win at the major league level, you have to spend money. Some money at least. I spent more at the grocery store yesterday than the Pirates payroll for the 2021 season. Ok, actually I spent less…but that was after I used my coupons…did I mention I was in the 15 items or less aisle?

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It’s Not a Big Deal

No Big Deal

 

We have a chance to break the record for snowiest winter ever…So, we have that going for us. I can’t remember a more miserable winter and with everything else we’re dealing with, it’s like piling on.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, and I only know that because I actually have my shows this weekend, it made me think back to last Valentine’s Day.

It’s really not a big deal for me. I’ve worked most Valentine’s Days because it’s a day when people go out. It’s a day when bars and restaurants are able to gouge you with special menus. Basically the same food as every other day but it costs twice as much on the heart shaped menu.

Hey, if people are willing to pay, why not charge more? Restaurants aren’t the only ones. This weekend you’ll pay four times as much for a dozen roses as you do the rest of the year.

“Here, I just spent a hundred bucks on something you’ll be throwing in the trash in three days. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

This is definitely not a day geared towards men. It goes against all of our principles. We have to spend money, we have to try to be romantic…OK, maybe there’s only two principles. That’s why women tell us we’re shallow.

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How Will He Get By?

How Will He Get By?

 

It started with a simple thought…”People are lazy.”

Yes we are lazy but, how can you use that to take advantage of us and make money? That’s where Jeff Bezos came up with Amazon. People are so lazy they hate going to the store, anything you need can come right to your door.

Oh, I know, you still have to grab the package off the porch and carry it into the house. Until there’s a better system, this is the best we have.

Mr. Bezos was already wealthy, then Covid came along. Going to the store became not only a chore but, possibly hazardous to our health. Why not just have it delivered?

Although he was already wealthy to begin with, Mr. Bezos made enough money in the past year to have given all of his employees a bonus of as much as $150,000 dollars apiece and still had just as much money as he had before.

Of course he didn’t share the wealth with those people putting their lives on the line during the pandemic. He kept it all to himself. I now realize Jeff that you were just being frugal and not a “Greedy Pig” like some people are saying.

You see Jeff Bezos decided to walk away from his job this week. He’s only 57 years old. He’s got almost ten years until he can collect Social Security. Until then, he has to make do on 196 billion.

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