A Nutting Idea

A Nutting Idea


In case you’re unaware or really don’t care. Pitchers and catchers reported to spring training this week. Here in Pittsburgh it means absolutely nothing. No reason to get excited about a team that could be one of the worst of all time.

The worst team in our cities history were the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who finished the season 23-113…No, I didn’t go to any of the games…Shut Up! You know, sometimes you people can be very hurtful.

That record isn’t as bad as the 1899 Cleveland Spiders who went 20-134. Because of Covid, I don’t know how many games the Pirates will play this season but, I think they can be worse than the Spiders.

For a team to win at the major league level, you have to spend money. Some money at least. I spent more at the grocery store yesterday than the Pirates payroll for the 2021 season. Ok, actually I spent less…but that was after I used my coupons…did I mention I was in the 15 items or less aisle?

Actually, going into the season, the Pirates payroll is projected to be 30 million. As a reference, there are 11 players who will make more than the entire Pirates team. Not the 11 combined but, each of those individuals will make more this year than the whole Pirates squad.

So, Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting said to his GM, here’s 30 million. You can sign one guy or an entire team.

The only decent player the Pirates had was Josh Bell. They traded him away on Christmas Eve. Was it a good trade? You don’t make good trades on holidays. That’s when you try to get away with something hoping nobody is paying attention.

Bell was scheduled to make seven million dollars this year. That’s a bargain for a power hitting first baseman on any other team. For Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting, that’s seven million that he can be shoving into his pockets.

Yeah, I know, small market, can’t compete…we’ve heard it all before. Here’s a question for Mr. Nutting. Milwaukee is a smaller market than Pittsburgh, yet they find a way to sign decent players and try to be competitive. How can they do it and not you?

If you answered,

“Because their owner isn’t a greedy pig!”

You would be correct.

Anyway, I have a proposal for you Mr. Nutting. Let me pitch. You think that sounds crazy, how about this…I’ll pay you…Yeah, I knew that would get your attention.

Not for your team but, against them. Pitching against an actual major league franchise, I would get lit up.

Here’s what I’m thinking. One hundred dollars an inning. You can have nine different guys pitch an inning apiece. Also a hundred bucks an at bat against one of the Pirates pitchers. You’ll average around $1500 a game. See, I knew you would like this idea.

This is a great idea in so many ways. First of all, it makes a great birthday gift.

“Happy Birthday Honey. You’re pitching against the Pirates tomorrow.”

Opposing teams will love it because they can rest their pitchers for when they go against another major league team. Why should they waste an arm on that bunch of stiffs you’re throwing out there?

This is a winner for everyone. You make money, the games will be more entertaining, people get to live out their fantasies of playing major league baseball and your team…Ok, it could be kind of embarrassing for them.

I mean, it can’t feel good when the sports headline is,

“Pirates mowed down by Tommy the butcher.”

Yeah, and he didn’t get that name for being a tough guy…he’s an actual butcher. Ok, so some feelings get hurt. What’s the big deal? You’re making money and I know what I want for my birthday this year.

See you in August Mr. Nutting…”Ka-Ching.”

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