Archives for February 2020

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Maybe Science Would Help

Maybe Science Would Help

 

In case you aren’t aware of it, there was a tragic accident over the weekend involving a man who was willing to go where nobody had been before. Actually, people have been there many times before. This guy just didn’t believe them.

What happened was a guy, “Mad Mike” Hughes, who believes the earth is flat, built a rocket. He planned to take the rocket into space to prove his theory. So, a guy who denies thousands of years of science decided to build a rocket…what could go wrong?

Well, you already know the answer. I think it was predetermined this wasn’t the best idea. Did I mention the guy who built the rocket thinks the world is flat? I guess he doesn’t think that anymore. He doesn’t think anything anymore.

Before I get bombarded with people calling me a bad person for mocking the dead…did I mention, the guy who built the rocket thought the world was flat?

So, these people don’t believe in pictures of the earth from space. You know, those fake ones that show a spherical planet.

You would think if the earth was flat, either a ship or a car would have gone over the edge by now. Wouldn’t the edge of the earth be a hot vacation spot? Think of the view. Somebody would have built a casino there by now,

“The Edge of the Earth Resort and Casino. Our slots pay out like it’s the End of the World!”

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Sorry For the Inconvience

 

Sorry For the Inconvenience

 

All I was trying to do was go over to visit my mother. I saw the sign “Road Work Ahead.” Then another sign, “One Lane Road Ahead.” Why don’t they just put one sign?

“You’re Screwed.”

The cars ahead of me were being waved through so I sped up. The girl with the sign must have noticed me trying to make it because she hurriedly turned the sign from slow to stop…Remember, “You’re Screwed.”

I could see by the look on her face that she wasn’t too thrilled that I was there either. You know, if no traffic was coming in either direction, she could just smoke her cigarette in peace, without having to hold that stupid sign. I guess I should feel bad for making her do her job.

The entrance to my mother’s plan was only about 200 feet ahead. I could have walked ten times as I sat waiting for the sign to turn back to “Slow.”

It felt like fifteen minutes and two cigarettes later when I finally was able to move the few yards up the hill and enter the plan. [Read more…]

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It Smells Like What?

It Smells Like What?

 

It was brought to my attention a few weeks ago that Gwyneth Paltrow is now selling a candle that smells like her vagina…Why would I make that up? I may be out of the loop as far as pop culture goes so, I didn’t know there was a demand to smell Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.

Nothing shocks me anymore. We’re in the end of days as far as I can see. Somehow we started living in bizzaro world and there are no limits.

What would make you think it would be a good idea to market a burning piece of wax that smells like any vagina? I don’t think anybody would buy a candle that smells like my penis. Shaped like it maybe…Who wants to blow out my candle?…C’mon, that’s gold! It would be a long burning candle…Yeah, shut up.

Anyway, I priced these candles online. The lowest price on eBay was $239.50. You would think for that kind of money, Gwyneth would show up at your house and let you take a whiff. At least set up a kiosk in the middle of the mall.

Hundreds of curious men and women with two hundred and forty bucks to throw away could line up for a sniff. Gwyneth would just have to sit there and rake in the money.

“Next!”

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