It Smells Like What?

It Smells Like What?


It was brought to my attention a few weeks ago that Gwyneth Paltrow is now selling a candle that smells like her vagina…Why would I make that up? I may be out of the loop as far as pop culture goes so, I didn’t know there was a demand to smell Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.

Nothing shocks me anymore. We’re in the end of days as far as I can see. Somehow we started living in bizzaro world and there are no limits.

What would make you think it would be a good idea to market a burning piece of wax that smells like any vagina? I don’t think anybody would buy a candle that smells like my penis. Shaped like it maybe…Who wants to blow out my candle?…C’mon, that’s gold! It would be a long burning candle…Yeah, shut up.

Anyway, I priced these candles online. The lowest price on eBay was $239.50. You would think for that kind of money, Gwyneth would show up at your house and let you take a whiff. At least set up a kiosk in the middle of the mall.

Hundreds of curious men and women with two hundred and forty bucks to throw away could line up for a sniff. Gwyneth would just have to sit there and rake in the money.


There’s a lot better things I can spend my money on than a vagina scented candle. So, I decided to pass.

Then, last week I walked into the dollar store. They were selling cheap knock-offs.

“This Candle Smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s…”

I don’t know if it was a licensing issue or if it was because of spacing, but they used a different word for vagina. This one only had four letters, but it means the same thing. Besides, it’s only a dollar.

Now, I think the reason the candles were only a buck is because they are mislabeled. I don’t think I got the Gwyneth Paltrow vagina scent…This thing smells more like Roseanne’s Ass.

My eyes are burning and the worst part is, every time I blow it out, the damn thing re-lights itself. We’re never going to get rid of this smell. We’ll just have to declare our house a hazard zone and move.

On the bright side, I saved two hundred thirty eight dollars and fifty cents.

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