Archives for February 2019

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No Intelligent Life

No Intelligent Life

 

I only had three items so I headed for the express self-checkout lanes. With only three things I had every right to be in a lane reserved for fifteen items or fewer. Although those words don’t stop a lot of people.

There was a woman with four items and a guy holding a gallon of milk in line ahead of me. As soon as I got in line behind them, they moved up to the check out. Right then I was thinking,

“I’ll be out of here in no time.”

I should know better. I’m constantly telling my wife to assume everyone you see is a complete idiot and if they’re not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

My eyes were on the guy with the milk since he only had the one item and was at the machine closest to me. I would estimate his age to be around 65 so this couldn’t be his first time using self-check-out…and he only has the milk.

You have to scan your card first before you can scan an item and in fact it explains that to you when you step up to the machine.

“Please scan your Giant Eagle Advantage card.”

I look up to see this guy swiping his card where we used to swipe our bank or credit cards before they had the chip. I thought to myself,

“That’s odd, I didn’t know you could do it that way.”

Then he scanned the milk and…

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No Fund Anymore

No Fund Anymore

 

Hey it’s your birthday…happy birthday to you…now, just stop begging me for money.

Ok, Maybe that sounds a little harsh…but it has to end.

Here’s the deal. For years on Facebook…have I been on Facebook for years? Wow, what the hell happened to me? Anyway, for years I would get a notification telling me one of my friends was having a birthday. Then I could click on, send them some meaningless post and we would be good for a year.

Now everything has changed. Whenever I see it’s someone’s birthday, I click on them and find out they are asking for birthday donations.

No, they’re not asking me to send them money, although I would if they needed it. No, now it’s a big scam to get me to donate to the cause they’ve chosen for their birthday.

First of all, let me say I’m not anti-charity or against giving to a worthy cause. It’s just too much. Every day it’s somebody else trying to help out an organization just because it happens to be the day they climbed out of a womb.

You’re friend Tom Fink is using his birthday to collect funds for “Fat Cats.” An organization trying to raise money to buy nutria-system for overweight kittens.

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Please Pay No Attention

Please Pay No Attention

 

Pay no attention and stay the hell away! That seems to be the message the Pirates are sending to fans as they head to spring training. Are you hopeful this team is going to compete for a championship? Yeah, me neither.

Oh, you can say they have four good starting pitchers. Problem is you need five starters. They had five but had to do a salary dump on Ivan Nova because he was scheduled to make nine million dollars this year. What team would pay that much for a starting pitcher? Ok, anyone not owned by Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting.

So now the Pirates will do what they always do and try to find pitching help on the “Island of Misfit Players.” Because, well… you don’t have to pay those guys anything.

Ok, so after they were the only team not to sign a free agent last year, they went out and signed Lonnie Chisenhall this off season. The minute I heard this I immediately went online to try to order my World Series tickets…Lonnie…Lonnie…Lonnie!!!

Then the Pirates went out and signed Nick Franklin…I have no idea who he is either. Oh, and they are bringing Francisco Liriano back from the dead. Not only is he cheap, but they probably still have a couple of cases of his bobble heads left over from last time he was here. Ka-Ching!

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