Archives for March 2020
Guardians at the Pot
Guardians at the Pot
Suck on it bitches!…Yeah, I know, I don’t normally say things like this, but these aren’t normal times we are living in. The world is shut down for a virus and people are going insane…Not, that most of them weren’t already, but it’s a jungle out there.
With things changing by the second, we don’t know how bad this is going to get. That’s why we have to take precautions. I don’t think anybody needed a gross of eggs or 900 rolls of toilet paper, but some of you idiots…(Very fine people) did.
There’s not a roll of toilet paper to be found on the shelves and they are now limiting paper towels to one package per customer.
So, you’re going to rough it, and I mean rough it. Wow, using paper towels as a substitute to wipe…that particular region…OK, your ass! That means when all the craziness is over, plumbers will be the richest people in the country…You know, with the money they make from unclogging toilets.
I’m guessing “Baby Lotion” will be a big seller as well as you try to soothe the towel burns.
My wife Chrissie, who I love for many reasons, but especially this, took the initiative and ordered us a shipment on Amazon.
Wash Your Hands
Wash Your Hands
So, the coronavirus is here and it’s time to panic. I don’t really think we need to panic, not yet anyway…but, it’s what people do.
The first suggestion was to use hand sanitizers as often as possible. Then like toilet paper before a two inch snowfall, hand sanitizer is completely sold out.
“Oh no! There’s no hand sanitizer or toilet paper! What can we do?”
Nobody said there’s not any toilet paper, calm down. I was just using that as an example. There’s no hand sanitizer to be found. Not in the stores anyway.
I’m sure you can get it on e-bay for $100 a bottle. That’s not necessary. You can do what people did in the pioneer days, back before we had hand sanitizer. You can wash your hands with soap and hot water.
I know, it seems like such a primitive concept, but it actually works. You just have to do it right. They are suggesting singing the birthday song in your head as you wash. That way you’ll be washing long enough.
You don’t have to sing the song out loud. Just in your head…Oh, who am I talking to? I don’t even know if they’ll get the part about singing it while washing their hands.
Some have gone to drastic measures. Those measures don’t make any sense, but if everyone acted rationally, I would have nothing to write about.
Another 38 percent of people in this country have stopped drinking Corona beer as a precaution…Yeah, I wish I was making that up, but you go outside. Even if you haven’t been outside in ten years, you have television and Wi-Fi. We’re not surrounded by stable geniuses.
Don’t believe me, go get in the self-checkout line at Walmart.
“I double dog dare you.”
Now, you’re saying,
“38 percent of the people in the U.S. are morons. That doesn’t seem right.”
If you add in the non-drinkers, people who don’t drink beer and those who don’t like Corona, it comes up to a more believable 70 Percent.
Wait until you walk into a public restroom and somebody is sitting on the toilet singing, “Happy Birthday.” I give you ten to one they don’t wash their hands. They sure as hell won’t be drinking a Corona.
Until this thing blows over, don’t touch me. I’ll be easy to recognize. The guy drinking shots of Purell and chasing it with a beer that has a lime in it.
“Happy Birthday!”
