Archives for August 2019
No Beer?
No Beer?
Recently…Ok, over the past few months…I noticed something weird happening to my body. My clothes that fit me a year ago were feeling tighter and I had this roll of flab hanging over my pants. I was concerned that I had possibly swallowed a seed and had a watermelon growing in my stomach. What other explanation could there be?
I made an appointment with my doctor. I was hoping we could avoid surgery and there was another way to remove the watermelon. As I was explaining the problem to my doctor, he told me to get on the scale.
Fifteen pounds heavier than I was a year ago. This is one big melon!
“Have you been eating more than usual?”
“No, I always try to watch my diet.”
“Do you drink beer?”
“Yeah, so…what’s wrong with that? I’ve read that having a beer or two a day is good for your health.”
“Do you only have one or two a day?”
“Ok, so maybe I’ve had enough to keep me healthy for the next five years.”
Cursed
Cursed
Last week, I got something I hadn’t had for a very long time. Something, I didn’t think I would ever get again…No, not an erection…Shut-Up!
I trimmed my mother’s hedges…No, that’s not a euphemism…What’s wrong with you people today? I’ve been doing the hedges at her house for years, because I’m a good son. Also, because she has a way of making you feel guilty for not doing things.
Anyway, there’s usually some vines in there which appear to be poison ivy. I got a rash from it once when I was about eight or nine and never had it since. I’m immune…or at least I thought I was.
When I was finished, my mother said to me,
“I hope you don’t get poison ivy.”
“I never get it.”
That should be the end of the conversation, shouldn’t it? For normal people maybe, but not that crazy lady. She was relentless. I brought her back to my house for dinner. Every three minutes in the car,
“I hope you don’t get poison ivy.”
Between bites at dinner,
“I hope you don’t get poison ivy…”
“You’re wishing it on me!”
A Real Genius
A Real Genius
I don’t know how it started. I began getting a daily inspirational quote in my e-mails. Usually when something comes I didn’t sign up for, I immediately unsubscribe. That doesn’t stop the next male-enhancement drug adds from coming my way, but I try to stay off most mailing lists.
The thing with these inspirational quotes…they really can be inspiring. It’s usually something in the context of “If you get off your ass and do something, you have a better chance of succeeding than if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.”
They’re usually able to say it in fewer words…probably why the name “John Knight” has yet to show up in my daily inspirational quotes.
Some days the quotes are from somebody like Taylor Swift or Katy Perry. I never even bother to open those…I shouldn’t have to tell you why I never bother to open those.
Up until today my favorite quote came from one of my comedy heroes, Groucho Marx.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
That basically sums it up. I’ve been living by those words. Then today, I was inspired by one of the greatest minds of all time, Albert Einstein.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not so sure about the former.”
It’s Real Baby!
It’s Real Baby!
As I pulled in, the parking lot was almost empty. That’s a good sign. I should be out of here in no time. It had been four years since I’d been here, but this is where it should be. This is where it’s been for as long as I remember. There was no signage on the building and the emptiness of the lot started to make me wonder.
It seemed like a ghost town as I walked towards the entrance. I couldn’t see anybody inside. The sign on the door told me all I needed to know. The DMV had relocated to another building on the other side of the parking lot.
There was no place to park, which isn’t a good sign. The crowd outside was either smoking or on their phones. Nobody looked happy. I walked through the doors and entered hell.
You used to grab a ticket, take a seat and wait for your number to be called. It was usually at least an hour wait, but you knew that going in.
“At least it’s only every four years.”
Today I walked in and got in line where a security guard was handing out the magic tickets. She asked me why I was there and I said,
“To get my real ID.”
That’s the new thing we’re required to get now, Real ID. I guess as opposed to that counterfeit Driver’s License I’ve been passing off all of these years. We won’t be required to get the real ID until October of 2020. I could just get a normal Driver’s License for a year but,
“WHY WOULD I WANT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS AGAIN NEXT YEAR?” [Read more…]
