No Beer?

No Beer?


Recently…Ok, over the past few months…I noticed something weird happening to my body. My clothes that fit me a year ago were feeling tighter and I had this roll of flab hanging over my pants. I was concerned that I had possibly swallowed a seed and had a watermelon growing in my stomach. What other explanation could there be?

I made an appointment with my doctor. I was hoping we could avoid surgery and there was another way to remove the watermelon. As I was explaining the problem to my doctor, he told me to get on the scale.

Fifteen pounds heavier than I was a year ago. This is one big melon!

“Have you been eating more than usual?”

“No, I always try to watch my diet.”

“Do you drink beer?”

“Yeah, so…what’s wrong with that? I’ve read that having a beer or two a day is good for your health.”

“Do you only have one or two a day?”

“Ok, so maybe I’ve had enough to keep me healthy for the next five years.”

“There’s your problem.”

“Where’s my problem?

“Quit drinking beer.”


That was it. That was his answer. Quit drinking beer.

“Isn’t there something I could take?”

“Like some kind of magic pill that lets you drink all the beer you want without gaining weight?”

“Yeah, just without the anal leakage.”

He just laughed like it was a stupid question. You know he could have prescribed something. He’s probably just nervous because of all the lawsuits. They haven’t been going after the doctors, just the pharmaceutical companies. Pull out your prescription pad and I can pick them up on the way to grab a twelve-pack.

“So, you’re saying I need to quit drinking beer?”

“If you want to lose weight.”

“It never bothered me before.”

“You’re getting older. Your metabolism is slower.”

Ok, so now I’m old and can’t drink beer.

“At least if you were Dr. Kervorkian, you could put me out of my misery.”

He just laughed and shook my hand. What a waste of a co-pay. Now when I’m sweating after cutting the grass I can say,

“You know what would go good right now? A nice cold water…Ahhhh!!!!

That’s it. I’m done with this story. Now comes “Water Time.” See, it doesn’t even sound right.

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