The Invasion of Pittsburgh

The Invasion of Pittsburgh


Pittsburgh, we have a problem. Not a problem you would expect to happen here, but as it turns out, we’re being overrun by alligators.

A few years back there were reported sightings of an alligator in the Monongahela River. Everyone just laughed it off like some kind of Big Foot or Loch Ness Monster sighting…It’s not so funny now is it?

In the past week there have been three alligators captured in the area. I’ll say that again, three alligators in one week! If you do the math over a 52 week year, we’re looking at 156 gators and probably more. Why is nobody acting alarmed over this?

First of all, alligators are not indigenous to this region. That means they are coming here by some other means. Maybe they’re reading those travel brochures that tell you how much there is to do in Pittsburgh during summer.

It’s one thing to get the Furries in July. Those are just weird people who like to wear fur costumes during the hottest days of the year. They don’t hurt anybody…not on purpose anyway. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be the maid cleaning their hotel room litter boxes.

Alligators are no laughing matter. This is going to get ugly. I see the way people walk their dogs. One hand on the leash while they are busy staring at their phones. How hard are you going to laugh when you look away from your emoji’s and LOL’s to see a smiling gator with the end of the leash in its mouth where Cupcake used to be?

They say these alligators may have started off as somebody’s pet. Who wants a pet alligator? What kind of tricks can you teach them?

“Roll over and play dead.”

“Hey look, I found me a dead alligator.”



“Lay there and act like a pile of rocks.”

“Why are these rocks so slimy?”


Nobody seems to want to take action, even though one of these gators was found on a family’s porch. I guess it’ll take somebody getting bitten in half in front of the entire neighborhood before anything gets done.

Yeah, I know, the holiday weekend is coming. You don’t want to cause a panic. Didn’t anybody see the movie “Jaws?”

“It’s the Fourth of July weekend. We can’t close down all of the porches.”

And then,

“I’ll be right back. I’m going out to get the mail.”


Remember you heard it here first.

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