Kennywood Ketchup Kontroversy

Kennywood Ketchup Kontroversy


If you’re from Pittsburgh, there are certain traditions we all share. A good number of us have attended the Arts Festival, only to be caught in a major thunderstorm. We’ve all been stuck in tunnel traffic because idiots slow down to 35mph when they drive through tunnels and it’s taken us 45 minutes to go a mile through construction, only to see a Penn Dot worker smoking a cigarette and picking their ass.

The main things are if you live in this city, you’ve been to Kennywood and are a Steelers fan. Being a Steelers fan is part of the heritage. You can’t root for any other team if you are born and raised here. I guess you could, if you want to be a jagoff (Another part of our culture, the word jagoff.)

Yeah, you can be a fan for another team, but it’s dangerous. If you grow up here and root for Brady and the Patriots, we’ll chase you out of town with rocks and cans of Boston Baked Beans.

So anyway, Kennywood and the Steelers. This year they are coming together in a glorious union. The park is opening a new roller coaster, “The Steel Curtain,” which will be part of “Steelers Country.”

I don’t know what other rides will be part of “Steelers Country.” From my understanding, they had a ride called the “Leveon Bell.” Unfortunately, the ride never showed up, so they sent it to New York.

Yeah…yeah…yeah I know. Shut up!

Everything was good until the park opened. Part of going to Kennywood is getting the “Potato Patch Fries.” The best French fries on earth and if you’ve been to Kennywood and not had them…enjoy your Boston Beans, you traitor!

Right away, people noticed that Kennywood had changed the cheese on the fries. Why would you do something like that when this city is steeped in tradition?

People detected, complained and got the old cheese back.

Personally, when I go to Kennywood, I prefer vinegar and ketchup. I’m not knocking you if you like cheese. As long as it’s not something weird. They say the French put mayonnaise on their fries. That’s just wrong. You have a food named after you…”French Fries” and then you go and ruin them like that.

Putting mayonnaise on French-fries can only lead to anarchy. Living in a world where nothing makes sense. It’s worse than putting ketchup on a hotdog. I know some of you do that, I just don’t want to have to look at it. My wife puts ketchup on her hotdog, but I think it’s just to piss me off.

While we’re on the subject of ketchup, that’s where Kennywood really screwed up. Cheese is one thing, but they changed from Heinz to Hunts ketchup.

Why would you do such a thing? I know the Steelers were loaded with controversy last year and called “Team Turmoil,” but that doesn’t mean you have to start a ketchup controversy.

You’re opening something called “Steelers Country.” The Steelers play at “Heinz Field.” Not “Hunts Field.” Not “Inferior Ketchup Field.”…It’s “Heinz Field!”

How much money are you saving? I remember the summer after I graduated High School, I got together with some friends for a party and barbeque. We pulled our money together and two of us went to the grocery store to pick up the meat for the grill and other things we would need.

I made the mistake of trying to save a nickel and bought Hunts instead of Heinz ketchup. My friend Mike Green still throws that in my face to this day.

“Remember when you bought Hunts Ketchup to save five cents?”

He’s still upset about it and this is like five or ten years later.

In my defense, I was young and didn’t know any better. But Kennywood is over 100 years old.

“What’s your excuse>”

Get the damn ketchup right. Heinz is another Pittsburgh tradition. I’m looking forward to riding the “Steel Curtain” and getting some Potato Patch Fries…Oh, and if I get off the ride and see a puddle of vomit that looks like French fries and mayonnaise, I will know there’s a New England fan at the park…Traitor!

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