Archives for November 2018
You’re Missing Out
You’re Missing Out
Now that our latest made up Holidays have passed, Black Friday, Cyber Monday and let’s not forget Cyber Tuesday in case you weren’t annoyed enough on Monday. It was a constant barrage of e-mails from anybody I ever buy from online…and I only buy from three places and two of those sell cigars.
It was “Once in a Lifetime Savings” followed by “You’ll Never See another Deal like This.” Wouldn’t they both be pretty much the same thing? Unless I was reincarnated and even in that lifetime I wouldn’t see another deal like that. At that point I would probably regret not acting.
Black Friday really doesn’t exist anymore since the stores are now open on Thanksgiving Day. Now at a time when people are supposed to be half consciously watching a football game they care nothing about. That time when you feel your dinner slowly work its way through the body on the way to its final destination. Instead of enjoying this moment, people are now out shopping.
Speeders Anonymous
Speeders Anonymous
Originally, I was going to call this “Confessions of a Speed Addict.” Then I realized it would sound like I was talking about a drug addiction. Do they even call it speed anymore? That used to be the term for amphetamines. Do they even have regular amphetamines anymore? Or is it only the meth kind? I guess I’m too far removed from the drug culture, not that it’s a bad thing.
Amphetamines were originally supposed to be diet pills. You would lose weight because you couldn’t sit still or shut your mouth. You can’t eat if you can’t stop talking to the point of annoyance. Also, your racing heart beat burned off a lot of calories.
What I’m talking about is the need to exceed the speed limit when I drive. I know there are others out there like me and I think we need to get together for meetings to help each other.
I’ve decided to kick this nasty habit and start obeying the speed limits. My reason is, I caught a lucky break today. I challenged a recent speeding ticket in court today and won. Well, I was ready to throw myself on the mercy of the court and ask for leniency. Tell them how valuable I am to the community and it was a mistake that I will live to regret. My shame and guilt should be punishment enough.
The officer who gave me the ticket didn’t show up, so the Magistrate wished me “Happy Thanksgiving” and dismissed me. I will have to save my speech for another time…No, there won’t be another time. I’m going to kick this habit!
