Speeders Anonymous

Speeders Anonymous

 

Originally, I was going to call this “Confessions of a Speed Addict.” Then I realized it would sound like I was talking about a drug addiction. Do they even call it speed anymore? That used to be the term for amphetamines. Do they even have regular amphetamines anymore? Or is it only the meth kind? I guess I’m too far removed from the drug culture, not that it’s a bad thing.

Amphetamines were originally supposed to be diet pills. You would lose weight because you couldn’t sit still or shut your mouth. You can’t eat if you can’t stop talking to the point of annoyance. Also, your racing heart beat burned off a lot of calories.

What I’m talking about is the need to exceed the speed limit when I drive. I know there are others out there like me and I think we need to get together for meetings to help each other.

I’ve decided to kick this nasty habit and start obeying the speed limits. My reason is, I caught a lucky break today. I challenged a recent speeding ticket in court today and won. Well, I was ready to throw myself on the mercy of the court and ask for leniency. Tell them how valuable I am to the community and it was a mistake that I will live to regret. My shame and guilt should be punishment enough.

The officer who gave me the ticket didn’t show up, so the Magistrate wished me “Happy Thanksgiving” and dismissed me. I will have to save my speech for another time…No, there won’t be another time. I’m going to kick this habit!

I should tell you this wasn’t my first ticket. I’ve actually had my license suspended for having too many points. I got a nice routine from it where I talk about how I had to be extra careful when I was driving without a license.

Actually, that part is true. I was extremely cautious during that time. When you’re driving without a license, you feel like you’re driving around without pants on. Not that I know what that’s like…Ok, once, but I was young and stupid at the time. Plus, we had that 90 degree stretch in August.

This also wasn’t the first ticket I fought. One time I lost and appealed. Then the cop showed up at the appeal. I was thinking about appealing it all the way to the Supreme Court. I figured eventually he would get tired of showing up and stay home. Of course that would have cost a lot more than the original fine, but I would have been right. I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider it. Sometimes it’s better to be broke than wrong.

I know there are a lot of you fellow speeders out there. Hell, there were 20 other people fighting tickets at the same court. This means there were probably thousands around the country doing the same thing. We need to help each other.

First of all, you have to admit you have a problem. Here are some of the things to look for.

1. When using a GPS app, do you consider the “Estimated Time of Arrival” as a challenge to beat?
2. Do you become annoyed when you get stuck behind two cars doing the same speed, blocking both lanes on the highway? Calm down, one may have Wi-Fi and the other is trying to steal it.
3. Do you scream in agony when a truck pulls in front of you in your lane while going up a mountain?…That one annoys me to no end.
4. Do you honk at people who stop at a yellow light in front of you because you were planning to go through it as well? What the hell is the matter with those people? Don’t they have someplace to be?

If you have any or all of these signs, you may have a speeding abuse problem. If you don’t have any of these symptoms, stay in the right lane. This may just be a phase I’m going through