You’re Missing Out

You’re Missing Out


Now that our latest made up Holidays have passed, Black Friday, Cyber Monday and let’s not forget Cyber Tuesday in case you weren’t annoyed enough on Monday. It was a constant barrage of e-mails from anybody I ever buy from online…and I only buy from three places and two of those sell cigars.

It was “Once in a Lifetime Savings” followed by “You’ll Never See another Deal like This.” Wouldn’t they both be pretty much the same thing? Unless I was reincarnated and even in that lifetime I wouldn’t see another deal like that. At that point I would probably regret not acting.

Black Friday really doesn’t exist anymore since the stores are now open on Thanksgiving Day. Now at a time when people are supposed to be half consciously watching a football game they care nothing about. That time when you feel your dinner slowly work its way through the body on the way to its final destination. Instead of enjoying this moment, people are now out shopping.

Are you one of the people who spent Thanksgiving trying to find a cheap TV? Leaving your annoying relatives behind to be amongst the Wal-Mart people. Yes, the Wal-Mart people. You know what I’m talking about.

If you’ve ever gone into Wal-Mart, you had to notice. There are normal looking people walking around and then there are these people that you just don’t see anywhere else. It’s like Wal-Mart has some kind of lab or farm where they grow them. Then they stock the stores with these “Wal-Mart” people, just so you know where you are.

Did you get all of your shopping done? Are all the decorations up? Are the presents wrapped?

So now what? What are you going to do with your time? It’s not like you can watch the Christmas Specials. They’re running all week and will be over before the calendar turns December.

All you’ve done is ruin the holidays. This is not a time of year to be relaxing this is a time for stress. You shouldn’t be sleeping soundly with “visions of sugar plumbs” dancing in your head. You should be like the rest of us, tossing and turning all night filled with anxiety and dread.

By getting your shopping done early, you missed out on trying to find a parking spot at the mall on Christmas Eve with all of the other idiots that wait until the last minute to do their shopping.

The best thing to do this time of year is pretend like it’s not happening until the final minute and then scramble like a madman to get everything done. If you spend the holidays slowly sipping wine or egg nog, you’re doing it wrong. You should be downing large amounts of hard alcohol as fast as you can. You shouldn’t be drinking to relax, but to numb.

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of the whole family fighting as we hurriedly tried to decorate the tree on Christmas Eve before the guests arrived. It’s too bad your children will never have such cherished moments.

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