Which Way Do I Go?

Which Way Do I Go?


Just got home from a show in Elmira, New York. Out of planes, trains and automobiles, going by car was the fastest and most convenient. So, as I set out on my journey, I looked at my GPS app for the fastest way at the time.

There were three different options, each adding a supposed ten minutes to the trip. I never go by the original estimated time. That’s only a challenge to defeat. You have to look at the best way to avoid weather, trucks, tolls, police, construction and idiots. If you drive as much as I do, you know where any of these give you the most concern. Especially idiots.

If John’s original estimated time is five hours and he plans to go at least ten miles over the speed limit the whole way, when will John arrive?

I would’ve done much better in school with these types of personal word problems.

You people that have grown up with these GPS apps are spoiled. We used to rely on a map and directions from somebody that kind of knew how to get there. Starting out, you knew there would be at least one stop at a gas station along the way, asking for directions.

Those would always wind up with somebody pointing their finger out the window and saying,

“You go down the road there…”

Since gas stations are usually on a corner, there were always four roads I could be going down. I found the correct response was not,

“If I knew which road to go down, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

After the first time of being sent twenty miles the wrong way, I learned to adjust my attitude…after I went to the gas station across the street that is. If there wasn’t a gas station across the street…let’s just say I always remembered to fill up before I left.

The first GPS system I had was a Garmin. I still have it if anybody buys antiques. Those things were great for telling you the way but didn’t know if there was construction or accidents. Oh, how I used to swear and insult Garmin like they were a close relative. If I talked to my wife like that, she would get upset and not talk to me for a day or two.

One time, I think I actually hurt my Garmin’s feelings. I was trying to get around an accident and major back up and Garmin kept sending me back to hell. I kept yelling at Garmin, but it wouldn’t listen. It just kept telling me to go back to where traffic wasn’t moving. It was so aggravating.

It was like trying to get through to an idiot that wouldn’t listen. Finally I told it to shut the f*#k up! It said something back I didn’t quite understand, but it sounded hurt. Then it stopped talking at all for the next thirty minutes.

Now, I’m desperately lost with no help and not a single gas station in sight. I also don’t know how you explain to the person at the gas station, you’re Garmin is upset with you.

If you think I looked like a moron yelling at my GPS system, you should have seen me trying to apologize. Finally, it came back around. Although it seemed to have an upset tone, it got me where I was going.

A few months later I was doing a show at a Country Club about thirty minutes from home. I knew the general vicinity, but needed an exact location. When it said I was within five minutes, Garmin told me to make a left.

The final few miles were on a road that looked like it had gone through a bomb raid. As I was avoiding major potholes, I thought,

“This Country Club is really trying to keep people out.”

When I tried to make fun of the road, the members looked at me like I was on drugs. After the show, one older member explained I had taken a road that had been closed for years.

“If you would have gone to the next light, you could have come right in the front entrance.”

Well played Garmin, well played…I hope you treat your next owner better when I sell you for fifty cents.

Speak Your Mind