Do These Smell OK?

Do These Smell OK?


Ok, here’s how this came about. The other day my wife asked me if I had seen the commercial for a new ball deodorant. I asked,

“What are you trying to tell me?”

She then explained she was talking about a little deodorant ball that women could put in their purse in case they wanted to freshen up during the day. I thought she was talking about roll on deodorant, which wasn’t anything new. She decided to pull it up online to show me. She typed in “Ball Deodorant” and…

“Fresh Balls,” “Comfy Boys,” “Fresh Boys,” nothing you could carry in a woman’s purse. OK, you could, but that would just be wrong…Apparently there’s a big market for men’s groin deodorizers and other products. I know a lot of guys put talc on that area, but this was all new to me.

The ads talk about how sweaty that area can get and how to avoid things called swamp crotch and crotch rot. I may be old school, but wouldn’t showering be more effective? To apply “Fresh Boys,” you just rub a little on that area in the morning and you’re good all day.

I can see that becoming a problem. You’re going to rub it on…and then think,

“I may need to rub that in a little better. This may take a while.”

Next thing you know, you’re late for work again.

Aside from the groin deodorants, they also have kits for manscaping. Think landscaping, but in that special area. There are special clippers and razors and shaving butter. That’s right, not shaving cream but butter. That way you can butter your balls before trimming…Yeah I know, sorry.

You can also buy a special mat to place under you while you’re doing your manscaping. These are 49.95 and they say think of them like the way you put newspaper under your dog when house-breaking. Ok, so why not just use newspaper and save the fifty bucks?

How many times are you going to use the mat? Unless you’re a werewolf, you probably can do maintenance every few days after the initial mowing. I mean, you’re not going to let it grow all the way back each time, are you? Do you know what hair feels like when it’s growing back? You’re “comfy boys” will be “itchy boys.”

There are also salons where you can have your manscaping done professionally. I can’t imagine ever doing that. First of all, I know I would really over tip the shampoo girl. Where do they rap the towel that usually is around my neck? Who’s doing the cutting, is it a man or a woman?

If it’s a man, do I act the same as I do with my usual barber? Just have a casual conversation while he’s clipping my junk.

“Did you see that game the other night? I can’t believe they lost.”

Another concern is that area can be kind of sensitive. It may not know if it’s being touched by a man or a woman. What I’m trying to say is…um…What if Mr. Johnson gets happy?

That could be very embarrassing. I can only think of three scenarios that could result.

First, he says,

“Don’t worry about it. It happens all the time.”

Second, he gets disgusted and throws me out.

Third, and this is my worst nightmare…We end up sharing a bungalow together in Key West.

I feel like I should apologize for this whole column. Let me just say, if my wife ever asks me if I saw the commercial for ball bug repellant, I won’t write about it.

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