Burial at Sea (Death of the Pirates)

Bury Them at Sea


The other day my wife said to me,

“Your birthday is coming up. Do you want to go to the Pirates game?”

“Are you mad at me?”

My first thought was I had done something to piss her off. Why else should anybody be subjected to these 2019 Pittsburgh Pirates?

Fans had some hope last week when Mark Cuban showed up at the game. Maybe he was looking to buy. That dreams been squashed. He’s not interested and the team isn’t for sale. It’s not for sale because they are making money…spending it is another issue.

As always, the season started with management telling us they had put together a contending team capable of going far in the post season. I wasn’t buying it, but that’s what they said. Supposedly, the pitching was really good and would carry them. The only thing the pitching has been good for is opposing players looking to increase their batting average and pad their home run stats.

Ok, they did have a lot of injuries to their starting pitching. If you remember, that was when they went out and signed…absolutely nobody. Are you crazy? They just tried to put things together with duct tape and super glue.

The Pirates did have one pitcher they drafted make it to the All-Star team. Unfortunately Gerritt Cole now plays for the Houston Astros. He got to the point in his career when he wanted to make the going rate 31 teams are willing to pay for All-Star pitchers.

Unfortunately, he was on the 32nd team.

The Pirates philosophy is to do everything as cheaply as possible. That way there’s more money for owner Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting to count every night.

“One for me, one for me, one for me, one for me…”

Yeah, the Pirates had three good seasons from 2013-2015. That was a fluke. Somehow draft picks weren’t at the point of making decent money and a couple of guys from the scrap heap worked out. If they were in it to win, they would have added and built around those teams.

Instead, they get rid of anybody that’s going to make money and shop in the bargain basement.

Do you really save money by buying the less expensive items? Ever buy a cheap brand of ketchup just to save twelve cents. First time you squeeze the bottle, the entire contents come gushing out of the bottle like a diarrhea blast and ruin your burger.

“Oh, that’s why it’s spelled HINDS.”

Yeah I know…shut up.

One time I thought I was getting a bargain. All I can say is “One a Day” might make a good vitamin, but the batteries are what they say.

Look at the signings for this year. Three million for Jordan Lyles to throw batting practice to the opposing team. Then another three million for Lonnie Chisenhall.

You’re saying,

“Lonnie who?”

He was the guy they signed to play in place of Gregory Polonco when he was injured. Right now, Polonco is injured and I think Lonnie sat in front of me at the movies last week.

See, trying to be cheap and it ends up costing you money. Three million for a guy who’s not playing. For a million dollars, the Pirates could have signed me not to play for them.

Who am I kidding? For $750,000 I would have gladly not played for the Pirates this year.

The Pirates might make some trades and tell us about prospects. We’re sick of hearing about prospects. Even if a couple of guys come up from the minors in a year or two, that’s around the time Josh Bell will be leaving. (See Gerritt Cole above)

The future doesn’t look good. Hopeless in fact. It would be less depressing if the other teams in the division weren’t spending money and trying to compete. Except for Chicago, the other three teams are a similar market size to Pittsburgh.

Of course St. Louis has extra money from their TV contract, not to mention yearly attendance. That’s because they do what they can to put a winning team on the field every year. Sounds like a good business strategy, doesn’t it?

“One for me, one for me, one for me, one for me…”

This is the last time I bother writing about this pathetic franchise. They’re dead to me. Give them a proper Pirates burial at sea.

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