Archives for May 2018

Speaking of Reruns

 

Ok, I admit it. I was trying to sneak one by the other day. I had guys at the house installing a new air conditioning unit and didn’t have time, or noise free environment to come out with something new. I’ve grown soft through the years and like it to be cool in the house.

I grew up in McKees Rocks without air conditioning. We would put a fan in the window and it would blow whatever air was outside into the room at night. Once the sun came up, you would wake up in a puddle of sweat. No need for an alarm clock. You could turn the pillow over for snooze and wake up five minutes later when it was drenched.

Anyway, I put out a post from last year dealing with all the rain and constant lawn maintenance. If you didn’t notice you had read it before, I thank you for ingesting the drugs and alcohol that make everything I write funnier.

In my defense, I’m not the only one coming out with repeats. As I walked into my local beer distributor last week, I noticed a giant display for Zima. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a clear malt beverage with no taste that Coors came out with in the 90’s.

Apparently, it was introduced as an alternative to beer and somebody at the company thought people would be attracted to the colorless liquid in the clear bottles. Here’s something they didn’t think about. Nobody has ever tasted something and said,

“Yummmm, clear.”

I remember seeing people drinking it and asking why.

“It’s not so bad if you pour a shot of gin in it.”

“Isn’t that the same as gin and tonic?”

“No, that wouldn’t be Zima.”

After spending 180 million in advertising trying to get people to drink something that sucks, Coors finally gave up and stopped selling it in 2008…But, now it’s back. Somewhere, someone thought that people were wrong the first time around.

“I know it tasted terrible then, but maybe I didn’t know any better…Nah, still sucks.”

Maybe they think the younger generation will want something their parents got sick on.

“You never would have been conceived if I didn’t get mommy skunked on Zima.”

“What is that a drug?”

“Try this.”

“You thought this was good? What were you, on drugs?”

The guy at my local beer distributor told me they have trouble keeping this garbage in stock. This probably has to do with the promotion that it’s only out for a limited time.

“Here’s something you don’t like, but in a couple of weeks you can’t get it anymore.”

“I better get it now.”

If you want to know where to come up with such an ingenious strategy, look no farther than McDonald’s.

In the 80’s, McDonald’s came up with a “pork product” sandwich that was pressed into the shape of ribs, dipped in barbeque sauce and put on a bun. Of course, I’m talking about the McRib.

This product…and I call it that because it really can’t be called nutrition, was invented by a “meat scientist.” That’s right, it’s basically an experiment made from…and get this…hearts, tripe, scalded stomach and the chemical used to make yoga mats and the soles of shoes.

After four years on the market and people not buying them, McDonald’s finally gave up on the McRib and pulled it from the menu.

So, you’re asking yourself,

“Why does it keep coming back?”

Because some marketing person decided that there may be people out there hungry for something that tastes like scalded stomach and old shoes.

“They’ll want it more if they can only get it for a short time.”

“Yummm…shoey…”

So now, for a restricted time each year you can get the McStomachShoe sandwich. I don’t think you want to eat them daily. It’s not like there’s anything in there that prevents heart attacks.

So, that’s how you sell crap nobody wanted before. We know you hate this but, we’re only going to let you have it for a few weeks.

Then try to stop people from wanting it.

Let me just say, if you didn’t like this column, don’t worry. It’s only here for a limited time.