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The Intruder

“Thud!”

The sound woke me from a sound sleep. There was rustling going on downstairs. At first, I thought it was one of the family. But when I checked, everyone was still fast asleep.

Quietly, I descended the stairs. I could see the lights from the Christmas tree flickering, even though I was sure we had shut it off before we went to bed.

When I poked my head around the corner, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He was just sitting there eating a cookie, making himself right at home. He had crumbs falling into his beard and all over the floor.

My mother has the worst case of OCD on the planet and vacuums three times a day. As soon as the lines from the vacuum dissolve, she has to put them back. These crumbs were going to drive her insane.

He noticed me staring at him and a big smile came over his face.

“Come sit on my lap, little boy.” [Read more…]

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Oh! Christmas Tree!

Tonight’s the night we will be putting up the Christmas tree. I know, we’re late to the party. Most of you had the house decorated for Christmas the day after the fourth of July. It’s just that we were busy and I was out of town and…why do I have to justify myself to you. If you want to judge me, go right ahead.

My wife had originally said that we should cut back this year, but then changed her mind. Once again the house will look like Santa’s workshop. Most people enjoy decorating for the holidays. I’m not one of those people. When I’m putting things up, I can’t help but think,

“All of this crap is going to have to come back down and get packed away again in a few weeks.”

Just my way of dampening the holiday cheer.

We’re decorating the house and that’s it. We stop there. We’re not going to start trimming our cars. Have you seen this? People driving around with antlers and a red nose on their automobile. Aren’t you just asking for a DUI at that point?

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I have no idea officer.”

“You have antlers on your car! How much have you been drinking?” [Read more…]

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Black and Blue and Cyber

Some of you may be old enough to remember when we celebrated a national holiday called Thanksgiving. That day has now been replaced by a shopping day with people hunting down the biggest bargains. I think they were calling it “Black Friday” preview. Which is kind of like going to the movies for the coming attractions.

How much are people saving that they are willing to forgo Thanksgiving dinner? Of course I forgot to mention the added bonus of having a store employee, with nothing better to do on a holiday than tell you where you can find the two for one sale on boxer briefs.

If the sales were so good on Thanksgiving, why did I get bombarded with e-mails about sales for days after? Any place I’d ever made a purchase from was sending e-mails about the latest sale. OK, most were from Cigar shops…but there were enough others for it to become aggravating.

First it was “Black Friday Preview.” Then the actual “Black Friday.” Then “Black Friday” prices were extended through Saturday. Then the “Black Saturday” prices came back around on Sunday.

It didn’t end there. Monday became “Cyber Monday.” That’s where you could get great deals online. It wasn’t over yet because there was a “Cyber Tuesday.” Then it was “What are You Waiting For” Wednesday. [Read more…]