Oh! Christmas Tree!

Tonight’s the night we will be putting up the Christmas tree. I know, we’re late to the party. Most of you had the house decorated for Christmas the day after the fourth of July. It’s just that we were busy and I was out of town and…why do I have to justify myself to you. If you want to judge me, go right ahead.

My wife had originally said that we should cut back this year, but then changed her mind. Once again the house will look like Santa’s workshop. Most people enjoy decorating for the holidays. I’m not one of those people. When I’m putting things up, I can’t help but think,

“All of this crap is going to have to come back down and get packed away again in a few weeks.”

Just my way of dampening the holiday cheer.

We’re decorating the house and that’s it. We stop there. We’re not going to start trimming our cars. Have you seen this? People driving around with antlers and a red nose on their automobile. Aren’t you just asking for a DUI at that point?

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I have no idea officer.”

“You have antlers on your car! How much have you been drinking?”

“I don’t drink officer.”

“Then you must be on drugs. Step out of the vehicle!”

This will be the third year for the pre-lit tree we bought. Having the lights already on the tree saves me the aggravation of trying to get them even. It also ends the holiday tradition of my neighbors enjoying my barrage of cussing and kicking.

I’m a bit skeptical about things going as smoothly this year. As I mentioned, this will be the third year for this tree. That’s usually around the time they start to go haywire. Sometimes they don’t even last that long.

I used to have lighted trees for the yard. After a year or two, they stopped working. One branch would light and not the other, the entire middle section was out on one of them, it was ridiculous.

We also had a lighted deer, whose head would go up and down, like it was drinking water and then looked up at the hunter that was about to blow its brains out. That worked for one year and then a pin fell out and the head didn’t move anymore. After that, it looked like it had just been shot and was about to slump to the ground.

That’s when I decided to get rid of all of that junk and make our outside decorations about the true meaning of Christmas. The only thing in the yard now is an inflatable “Nativity.” Of course, that is now a couple of years old and is starting to have some problems. Baby Jesus sprung a leak this year. I’m just hoping nobody notices I replaced him with Charlie Brown.

Anyway, time to crack open a beer and get this decorating party started. Yes, there’s going to be alcohol involved. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving the house. It’s not like I’m going to have a couple of drinks and get behind the wheel of an antlered vehicle. What kind of maniac do you think I am?

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