Song of the Symptoms
Song of the Symptoms
Let me apologize in advance. I was trying to come up with something to write about and that stupid “Pepto Bismol” commercial came on TV. You know the one where they sing about the five symptoms it cures…Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion…Upset Stomach, Diarrhea. You’ve probably seen it. Maybe you didn’t pay attention. I didn’t think I was and now I can’t get the stupid song out of my head.
Then I started thinking about how the whole thing came about. I’ve written a few commercials…and am available if you want to do something funny to promote your brand…Do you see how I gave myself a little plug there?
Anyway, there must have been a meeting. Probably the original was between executives trying to decide how to promote their product. You know men in suits without a creative bone in their bodies. It probably went something like,
Snow Mower
This year, we can’t seem to make it to Spring. 80 degrees and cutting grass one day and snowing the next. That’s why I think everyone needs a Snow Mower. Just send your payment of $349 dollars here, plus $500 shipping, and receive your Snow Mower in time to cut grass and shovel snow at the same time….Allow 6 weeks. That’s what the groundhog keeps saying anyway.
Philadelphia With a P.
Philadelphia…With a P.
Philadelphia sports fans have long been regarded as the worst as far as being rude and obnoxious. These are the people that booed Santa Claus as they pelted him with snowballs when he appeared at an Eagles game. How many people didn’t get the bike or the puppy they wanted for Christmas? What else could cause that kind of hatred toward Jolly Saint Nick? Oh, besides being an obnoxious jerk.
You probably already heard about their latest obnoxious episode that occurred at Sunday’s playoff game between the Flyers and Penguins. The story is that somebody placed photos of Sidney Crosby inside every urinal at Wells-Fargo Center.
But, That’s Way Off!
But, That’s Way Off.
I’ll keep this brief today. You’re probably out enjoying the warm weather before the next snow. I wish I was joking about that, but there is a chance of accumulating snow in the days ahead. You would think that once it hit eighty and the grass was growing…I guess not this year with the winter that won’t end.
Anyway, here’s what happened. I went to pick up a pizza at a local place. I was greeted by a twenty-something behind the counter and gave him my name. He handed me the pizza and said
“That will be $18.17.”
I remembered I had a quarter in my pocket, so to avoid getting a pocket full of change I handed him a twenty dollar bill and the quarter. That means I should get two dollars and eight cents back.
I saw him grab a single out of the change drawer and then he started fishing for more change than he should have. I saw other singles in the drawer and was hoping he wasn’t going to hand me back a dollar in change anyway. The look of confusion on his face should have warned me.
He handed me a dollar and sixty-three cents. He could tell from the way I was looking at it that something was wrong.
“Is that not right.”
“Not even close.”
“Sorry, I’m not very good at math.”
“But, this is really wrong.”
“I told you, I’m not good at math.”
“But, how did you even come up with this amount?”
“I don’t know.”
“I handed you $20.25 the total was $18.17.”
I handed him the change back and he started to try to figure it out with a paper and pen.
“Doesn’t the cash register tell you the change?”
“Not this one.”
“You don’t have a calculator on your phone?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know how it works.”
“Who decided that you should be the one that handles money?”
“The owner.”
Then I realized what was happening. The owner was hoping to increase his profits by having this guy short change the customers. Of course, you’re taking the chance that you’re the one that gets screwed. Then I thought, maybe it was all just a disguise. Maybe this guy was really a genius posing as an idiot. Customers might feel sorry for him and let the short change go.
I came up with an idea. I hadn’t done my taxes yet, so I decided to hire this guy as my accountant… Somehow, I getting back four times what I paid in. Yeah, I’m taking a chance on getting caught. I’m just hoping maybe he has a relative that works for the IRS.
