One Stop Shopping

One Stop Shopping


When I was a kid, Christmas shopping meant going into town and going from one department store to the next. None of them were next to each other, so you had to have a strategy. Start at the one closest to the bus stop and then move on to the next.

We used to go with my mother on the bus. It started off as an exciting adventure, the chance to see all of the lights and holiday decorations. The night would soon turn into an evening of hell, going from store to store looking for the best bargains.

The stores seemed like they were miles apart and we covered a lot of ground. At the end of the night we would be walking for what seemed like hours, carrying bags of clothes we had been forced to try on. The worst part is,

“What kid wanted clothes for Christmas?”

Christmas lights didn’t seem to sparkle as brightly on the way back to the bus.

Corporate America decided people were too lazy to shop this way and started building malls. All of the stores were located under one roof so you didn’t have to brave the cold and snow. Of course some of the stores were located across the mall from each other, so you might have to walk three minutes to get there.

Yeah, I know…there are groups of old people who meet in the mall every morning at 6 AM before the stores open to get exercise by mall walking.

The problem being, who wants to get up at five in the morning to walk around a mall that’s not even open? You can’t even get a Cinnabon. Who needs that? Plus, old people grew up in a time when you had to walk everywhere. I come from a generation of lazy people.

That’s why over the last few years, shopping has changed again. Now, we just look up an item on our phone, press a button and it gets delivered to our front door. Yeah, you have to walk to the door and bend over to pick it up, but we’re working on making it easier.

Our innovation has led to the latest form of shopping. The people who just go around and grab things off the porch. Sure, you don’t know what you’re getting, but at the same time you don’t have to worry about interest charges and late fees.

Some of these “Porch Pirates” actually follow the delivery trucks around and grab the items as soon as they can. You know, before some other shopper comes along. The early bird gets the best deals.

These thieves are shown on the news every day around this time of year. Always captured on video from somebody’s doorbell camera.

What a waste of money those doorbell cameras are. All they do is allow you to go home from work and watch video of your package being carried away.

Some of these “Pirates” don’t even bother to cover their faces. Some of them probably do it in their own neighborhoods.

“Hey Jack, I saw you running down the street with my new flat screen.”

“Probably a guy that looks like me.”

I know what you’re saying,

“Nobody is stupid enough to rob a neighbor with a doorbell camera.”

Yeah, and where do you live? Never underestimate the stupidity of people.

The reason they show the faces on the news, is hoping we will be able to identify the person. Why would I snitch on somebody I know while they’re doing their Christmas shopping? The present they’re grabbing might be for me.

If it’s not, I can make sure it is,

“Hey Ralph, I saw you on the news today…let’s make a deal.”

Do you see how that works? Yes, just like Congress.

So, I keep watching the news, hoping to spot somebod. It’ll be a Merry Christmas for me.

Although, I just had a terrible thought. What if I get one of those crappy doorbell cameras?

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