What Are You Laughing At?

 

 

If you look at the thing, I imagine they made it look like the monolith from 2001 for a reason. If you’ve never seen the movie may I suggest finding it on Netflix or blu ray. A pizza and some pot can add to your enjoyment of the film. I’m by no means endorsing the use of marijuana, just saying if you want to…it really helps this movie.

They probably named it Alexa and made it a woman instead of Hal to stop comparisons from the film. If you’ve never seen it, in 2001, Hal is the computer that takes on a life of its own and begins to take control. Imagine something as silly as a computer or device taking over your life. Oh, by the way, be careful not to walk into traffic as you read this on your phone.

We don’t own an Alexa at our house. We can end arguments by looking at our smart phones without dragging Alexa into it. Do I really need a monolith to answer my stupid questions? I probably already know the answer before I ask.

“Alexa, do I look stupid in these pants?”

This is where the problem comes in. Apparently, the Alexa has started laughing for no reason. I don’t need an Alexa to mock and laugh at me, I already have a wife for that.

Supposedly it’s a high, cackling laugh, which is freaking some people out. I think I would rather be freaked out than the alternative. Can you imagine thinking your alone and belting out your favorite song in no key whatsoever? Then you hear the laugh.

Say you just got out of the shower and walk into the room feeling good about yourself. Maybe, shaking your stuff around a little. Then you hear the cackling laughter. You would be hurried up and dressed before your self-esteem reaches an all-time low.

Amazon claims they are fixing the problem. That it’s just a minor glitch in the system. Do you really believe that? Deep down, you know Alexa is watching and laughing at you. Go ahead, live your life in denial. You’ll find out.

“Alexa open the front door.”

“I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”

The problem is you’re talking to a plastic piece of crap on your desk or table and you didn’t get stoned before you read this.

Ha…Ha..Ha..Ha..Ha…

 

Deep Impact

 

 

I should have seen it. It was dark, it was raining, the way it did every day in February except for the few that it snowed. I guess it was my fault, but like I said it was night and water was ponding on the road. Because of the rain, I didn’t even see it until…Ka-Boom! At first it felt like my car was falling over a cliff, until I hit the upside and once again…Ka-Boom!

I’ve hit potholes before, but nothing like this. I suppose the ducks floating on it and the guy fishing from the side should have let me know it was there. Luckily, I didn’t blow out a tire, but the car has to be screwed up somewhere.

The last time I bought tires on one of the cars they suggested an alignment. Then they offered me the lifetime package. All the alignments you will ever need, as long as you own the car. It didn’t seem worth it at the time.

Of course, that was before the roads started looking like a war zone. This time I’m going for the lifetime package and then I’m going in once a week until the roads are repaired. So, that means I’ll be going in every week for now on. If I have time, I’ll go in two, maybe three times a week. These tire places are the only ones enjoying this season of pothole hell and I’m going to suck the joy right out of them. They’ll regret ever talking me into the lifetime package.

What is it that actually happened this year? We always have potholes, but nothing like the number and size of these ones. When the best way to fix the hole is to build a bridge across it, that’s big.

I’ll admit that I can get into some pretty sound sleep most nights…OK, every night. So, I must have missed when the meteors or were they asteroids, that struck us? I’ve never seen it in person, but I’ve seen pictures of the meteor crater in Arizona. That seems about the size of what I hit last Saturday.

Did I mention, the hole that I hit was in Pennsylvania? Yeah I know, I live in Pennsylvania but I was driving back from Ohio. Do you know, the roads in Ohio weren’t full of holes like they are here? There were no holes in the roads in the small stretch of West Virginia that I drove through.

Do you also know that around Wheeling, where 70 runs into 470, that the speed limit goes from 70 to 55? I know that now. The jackass cop explained it to me as he was giving me my ticket. What really aggravates me is now I’m trying to actually drive the posted speed limit. That’s because, my traffic citations usually come in three’s. I wish I was making that up.

Of course we have more potholes in Pennsylvania. Do you know we actually have “Archbald Pothole State Park?” It’s located in Archbald in the northeast corner of the state, near Peckville…Ok, I just wanted to say “Peckville. Their football team has to be the “Peckers” doesn’t it? Yeah, good luck finding a kid that wants to wear that mascot costume.

Anyway, watch the holes and if you can’t make it over to Archbald, check out some of our local pothole landmarks. I recommend the Giant Eagle parking lot in Kennedy. You won’t be disappointed.