We’re Not Here

We’re not Here


It had never come up like this before.

“Hey, do we know the Scams?”


“The Scams. One of them has the first name Illegal.”

That was what the caller ID was actually showing, “Illegal Scam.” Usually it says “Unknown Caller” or “Wireless Caller” or just lists the city where the call is supposedly coming from. Not this time. It was actually telling me who was on the other line. An illegal scammer.

As you know, it takes a lot to aggravate me…OK, it actually doesn’t but the constant barrage of these phone calls really does it. I’ve tried putting my name on the “Do-Not Call” list but, that’s a joke. I think when you do that they actually give out your number to solicitors.

Monday, my cell number got picked for a day of harassment. I was getting calls from 800 numbers, 3 times an hour all day. It’s impossible to stop because it’s a robo-call. I would block the number and twenty minutes later I would get a call from a number with one digit changed.

If it was a person, they would give up if you didn’t answer the first fifteen times. These calling machines aren’t programmed to give up, just annoy.

There are still a few actual people making the calls. The one’s running the IRS trick still use actual callers on occasion. One of them was starting to leave a message on the home phone, so I picked up.

Apparently, I was in big trouble and would be going to jail if I didn’t pay back the “Towsends and Towsends” of dollars that I owed. Yes, not only has the IRS started calling people at home, but it’s from a call center in India.

I’ve received this scam a number of times and always have fun with them.

“You’ll have to get in touch with my accountant. His number is right there on the form in front of you. Do you see it there? Tell me his name, just to make sure.”

They either hang up or really go into scare you mode. Telling you it’s too late for that and if you don’t send in the money immediately, you will be arrested.

“So, you’re saying I either send you five…what did you say, towsend?”

“Yes, five towsend.”

“And if I don’t send it, I’m going to jail?”


“Let me think. I could send you five thousand dollars or you will put me in jail, where I won’t have to pay mortgage or utilities and you will feed me for free on top of it…Oh, what the hell, let’s go for the free ride. I could use the break. What day will you be here to arrest me? I need to get my affairs in order.”

I like to listen to the stunned silence before I hang up.

As I’m sitting here typing, my cell rings with another 800 number. Why can’t they all start coming up saying “Illegal Scam?” Maybe if they thought everybody knew what they were up to they would stop.

Then again, maybe the reason “Illegal Scam” has only come up one time is because it’s a legitimate business and made the mistake of choosing that name. Which would be like opening a pizza shop and calling it, “Burned, Crappy Pizza.”

If you had that name you wouldn’t expect many customers and if you were a customer, you would get what you deserve.

“I’m gonna go on Yelp and say you served me burned, crappy pizza.”

“That’s the way we’re listed on Yelp. It’s the name on our Facebook Page and Website. It’s the name on the sign out front and on the menu you ordered from. That’s who we are, “Burned, Crappy Pizza.”

I guess if you really wanted to attract customers with burned crappy pizza, you could just disguise the name. Call it something like B.C. Pizza or maybe Papa John’s.

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