Somebody Should Have Stopped It

Somebody Should Have Stopped It


This will be kind of a weird post for me but, I can’t get it out of my mind. Driving home the other night, listening to Underground Garage on Sirius, a song came on by Elvis. The song was “Clambake.” Not one of his big hits but, a song from one of his crappy movies.

At one time he was considered the King of Rock…It should’ve actually been Chuck Berry but, it was the 50’s and they needed a white guy. I should let you know I wasn’t alive at the time…Yeah, I know, hard to believe…sometimes you people really get under my old wrinkled skin.

What happened was, at the height of his fame, Elvis was drafted and did his stint in the army. When he came back, he had some more big hits but, his manager had bigger and better things in mind.

Despite his talent, Elvis was still a dumb hick from Mississippi. Giving a Carnival barker half of your earnings for your entire life doesn’t get the Mensa people knocking at your door. Letting that same idiot take control of your career is even worse.

You see, the Colonel decided the big money was in making movies instead of recording and touring. He got Elvis a big movie deal that would keep them both rich for the rest of their lives. The problem was, they weren’t good movies. No, the complete opposite. Within a short time Elvis would go from the “King of Rock” to the “King of Schlock.”

The movies were so formulaic and sad. Elvis would play the lead. Usually with a name like Johnny or something weird like Swag.

Swag would get a job in a café or diner as a waiter. A customer would come in and Elvis (Swag) would ask.

“Oh, man…wadda ya’ll have?”

“Can I have a ham and cheese sandwich?”

“Oh, man…you got it.”

“Also, instead of potato salad, can I get fries?”

“No problem, man.”

Then the music would start and

“Ham and Cheese sandwich…’


“Ham and Cheese sandwich…”


I should mention the “Ba…dum…bum…” is my attempt at adding some rhythm to the song.

Then Swag (Elvis) would be dancing on the table and

“I’ll have some ham and cheese between two slices of bread…Hold the tato salad, I’ll have French fries instead.”

At this point, all of the kids in the diner would be dancing around Elvis on the table with their hands in the air singing…

“Ham and cheese sandwich…ham and cheese sandwich…”

That’s when the guy who ordered would be looking like,

“All I wanted was a stupid sandwich. What kind of hell have I gotten myself into?”

Then Swag (Elvis) would start dating the owner’s daughter. That’s until he would get caught with stolen cash in his pocket.

“I’m telling you, it wasn’t me man.”

“It’s in your pocket Swag. You’re fired and stay away from my daughter.”

Swag would be walking around sad one night when he would notice Bobby, the guy who was now dating the owner’s daughter, inside the diner after closing time, robbing the cash register. Swag would go in and confront him.

“Hey man…what ya’ll doin there? I think you set me up man.”

“You can’t prove that Swag…not if you’re dead.”

Bobby would then pull a sieve from his jacket and go after Swag. That’s when every kid from the neighborhood would be passing by and notice the scene through the window. Then the music would start. The kids outside would start.



Then Swag (Elvis) would start singing and dancing.

“Trouble…he’s got a knife, I’m in big trouble…”

Every time Bobby would swing the knife would be time for Elvis to move his hips and he would miss. Finally he would lunge at Swag with the knife and miss and Elvis would could cock him.

Would it have been better if Swag pulled out a 38 and put three slugs into Bobby’s head? Hell, yes. Unfortunately, violent films full of that kind of carnage wouldn’t come along until the end of the decade.

About the time Swag knocked out Bobby the owner would show up and it would get really sappy.

“I’m sorry I doubted you Swag. I hope you’ll accept my apology and reconsider your offer to marry my daughter.”

If you didn’t have an empty stomach at this point, you would now. When they released these movies on DVD they should have included a barf bag.

Now, had Elvis not done these awful movies, would he have stopped the British invasion or the folk scene from happening? Of course not. Would he have stayed more relevant? Probably. At least he’d be remembered a lot more fondly than…

“Ham and Cheese sandwich…”

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