If What’s Curved?

If What’sCurved?


We’re so used to them now that it seems like they’ve always been there. For some of you they have. In reality it’s only a little over twenty years since the barrage of pharmaceutical ads began. Since then it’s been an onslaught of embarrassing and false-sounding diseases that can be treated with the medication of the week.

After a while you become numb to the toenail fungus, erectile dysfunction, leaking bladders and whatever else they’ve come up with. Every once in a while though, something catches your attention. That’s what happened the other night when a commercial came on for something called Peyronie’s disease.

I had never heard of Peyronie’s before. What could it be? Was it a hallucinogenic drug? Was it a pizza topping? Was it both? What could it be?

As it turns out…what it is…it’s a painful curvature of…you know, that thing that guys have and women don’t’…it’s um…um…Oh hell, it’s a bent penis. We’re all adults here!

To be honest with you, I could’ve lived the rest of my life without knowing such a disease exists. Something about a man being painful and curved in that area, kind of makes you cringe. How big of a curve are we talking about? Do I risk peeing on myself? Do I now have to face the opposite direction of where I’m aiming? How do I know if I have it?

When I did some research…and I want you to know I do it for you people, here are ways for your doctor to diagnose. These are actually there, you can look them up.

First, your doctor will feel your penis when it’s not erect…ok…

They might measure the length of your penis…you would think a visual would be good enough but…ok

Your doctor may ask you to bring in a photo of your erect penis from home. I suppose it’s safer to take it at home than ask somebody to snap a quick shot while you’re showering at the gym…still, a little personal.

After going through such a humiliating examination, you hope there’s a cure. There is a type of surgery but, penis…knife…men don’t like to hear those things mentioned together. Personally, I think I’d rather tie one end of a string around my penis and the other around the bumper of a car. Try to straighten it the way the “Three Stooges” used to extract a bad tooth.

You may be asking yourself, wasn’t this originally about pharmaceutical advertising? Yes, of course there’s an alternative to painful surgery. A pill called Xiaflex. If you’ve seen the commercials for other drugs, you know there is always a long list of possible side effects involved.

I thought I had heard them all, loss of sight, vomiting, trouble breathing, depression and anxiety, loss of hearing, numbness and swelling of the hands and feet, anal leakage, hallucinations, sudden hair loss…all of these pale in comparison to, penile fracture.

How the hell do you fracture something that doesn’t have a bone in it? It’s actually a corporal rupture, but fractured penis is frightening enough. How long will the cast be on? Do I also have to use a sling?

Now, here’s the worst part. The way you know if it’s fractured, is a popping sound when it’s erect. Yikes! You don’t want to hear that. What if they always made that sound when they became erect? We would be giving too much away.

“What was that?”

“Ah…my knee cracked…old football injury.”

Could you imagine an attractive substitute walking into a classroom of horny teenage boys? It would sound like a Fourth of July fireworks finale…Pop…pop…pop, pop, pop…pop…pop, pop, pop, pop, pop…

Let me finish by saying, I apologize to anyone suffering with the painful bend of Peyronie’s. It’s just up until a few nights ago, I had never heard of this disease. I should also mention, this was hard to write. OK, maybe not the best choice of words.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping since I saw this commercial. I keep dreaming I’m being chased by a boomerang shaped penis.


  1. Andy Lindemuth says:

    I have yet to read one of your columns that didn’t make me laugh out loud at least once while I was reading it!great stuff John!

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