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Empty Calories and Hostility

Empty Calories and Hostilities [Read more…]


A Nutting Interview

A Nutting Interview


With baseball season about to begin, I sat down with Pirates owner Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting for an interview on the state of the 2022 team.


WAM)  So, what can be expect from the Pirates this year?

  1. BN) It’s a beautiful stadium. It has spectacular views of the city and river. Such a great night out for families or anybody really.

WAM) But, what about the team.

  1. BN) We’ll be giving away Hawaiian shirts, there will be plenty of fireworks nights. Pup night. You can bring your dog to the game. What dog wouldn’t want to spend a summer night at the most beautiful stadium in baseball?

WAM) What about the team? The people in this city are tired of all the losing. Do you realize, former Pirate Garrett Cole is among a handful of players who make more than your entire roster?

  1. BN) Am I a genius or what for getting rid of that guy? Do you know how much that would cost?

WAM) I realize it’s tough to compete with big market teams like the Yankees or Dodgers…

  1. BN) Can you imagine if I could get my hands on one of those teams? If I could take the Yankees or Dodgers and trim their payroll down to 35 million…Whoa Mama! Bobby needs a new boat baby!

[Read more…]


The Unfriendly Skies

The Unfriendly Skies


Over the past few years, one of the few bright spots has been that I haven’t had to fly much. I don’t think I had a single flight in 2020 and only a few this year. With a few coming up, I’m not looking forward to it.

Apparently, aside from mass cancellations, you also have to worry about the fact that the criminally insane are now taking to the skies.

There have been over 4800 cases of unruly fliers over the past year, which is more than all the other cases combined in the history of air travel.

It’s mostly because of the mask rules that the simple minded among us don’t think they should have to follow.

Every time one of these idiots causes a problem, you end up with a viral video. Is that really the way you want to become famous? With millions of people looking at you and saying,

“Look at that moron.”

So, you wake up stupid and head to the airport. Once your there, you ask yourself,

“How can I enhance my total lack of common sense?”

That’s when you decided a few drinks will help. While you’re sitting there getting liquored up, maybe they don’t have on the right news channel. You know, the one that tells you all the lies you believe. So, now you start to get angry.

You arrive at the gate for your flight drunk, stupid and pissed.

“Excuse me sir, you have to wear a mask to board the flight.”

“Themz ain’t takin away minez freedoms!”

Yeah, you probably should have just left it at that. Screw that airline for not changing their rules for you. But nooo…you had to start throwing punches at anyone around you. That’s when they called the authorities and…

“Hey Jethro, how free do you feel in that cell?”

Those are the ones on the ground. The real geniuses are the ones that cause a riot at thirty thousand feet. Stuck in a tube of containment, you really haven’t thought out your escape route.

“Sir, you’ll have to put your mask back on.”

“Themz ain’t takin away minez freedoms!”

Then you go into attack mode and have to be restrained and…

“Hey Gomer, how free do you feel being taped to your seat?”

When you’re taped to the seat, what thoughts are going through your head? Are you thinking about the drink cart or making your connecting flight? Do you realize how screwed you are? Or are you just thinking about those millions of views?

“Look at that moron.”

Maybe the airports can be like Planet Fitness with their “Judgement Free Zone.”

Put up a sign that says “Idiot Free Zone.”

Nah, it’ll never work. I doubt most of them can read.


Mormon or More Men?

Mormon or More Men

I had a chance to spend some time in Utah this year, beautiful state, different world. It was easier to find alcohol than it was to find a cup of coffee.
Apparently, the lack of caffeine for anxiety has made them more lax on the enforcement of keeping libations away. The religion tries to keep anything stimulating away from you. Because…God hates you to be stimulated. I guess they’re too tired from the lack of caffeine to really enforce the booze thing.
This is what brings us to teenage hornieism…teenage got’a get me some…as the Lord would say, teenage lust.
“Though as a teen, with all the desire I have giveth you, though shall abstain.”
Yeah, thanks God. I’m seventeen, my testicles are the size of coconuts and Mary Jane Kepectnie just went up a bra size and is turned on by guys in long sleeve white shirts and thin black ties.
“What’s a boy to do?”
Apparently, the Mormons have solved the problem.
In order to stay virgins…so, they can get married…I was raised catholic, I don’t get the whole concept. By the time we were seventeen, if you weren’t laid or violated by a Priest…something was really wrong with you.
Anyway, the Mormons have gotten around the whole dilemma. They came up with a way to beat the system. It’s called “Soaking.”
See, what you do is…get naked and the male puts his…how can I say this without being offensive to the Mormons.
Ok, so the man takes his…let’s call it a wandaleer. Then he puts it against her…again, trying not to be offensive…I can’t decide on “the part above the taint” or “the hole that’s not the ass.”
Yeah, let me work on it. I’ll get back to it.
So, the guy lays his thing against her thing. They get soaking and stay virgins in the eyes of the Lord. Because there’s no motion.
“If it ain’t movin, there ain’t no grooving.”
If that’s me, and I’m seventeen…and we’re naked…and mine is touching yours…sorry, about your sheets.
Now, at this time, you would think I could get a cup of coffee. I mean, they would probably have to castrate me because I failed in front of God. I should at least be able to get a Caffee Lattee!
I don’t know how this whole organized religion thing works. It was set up for minds that are different than my own.
Oh, I forgot the last part of the Mormon non-sex ritual. “Jump Humping.”
What this is, is while your soaking…no, not in the hot tub…that whole touching genitals thig. See, while you’re doing that, a friend jumps up and down on the bed. Because, as long as you’re not the one making it move, you stay a virgin.
I don’t know, wouldn’t it just be easier to be an atheist, get laid and enjoy life? Oh, what do I know?
Again, if I’m the guy bouncing on the bed, there’s a naked woman…sorry about your sheets…and my PANTS!
I’d be such a horrible Mormon. Soaking, Jump Humping…drinking Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino’s and spilling them all over my tie…I’m such a Heathen…